Working With Professional Caregivers

    If you have hired a professional caregiver, as my brothers and I have for our mom, then you have another voice, another variable in the mix.  If your caregiver is a part time helper, then you have someone who sees your elderly parent in snippets of time. Like looking briefly through a window. If your caregiver is a twenty-four hour a day caregiver, then you have a whole different set of concerns. This brief blog cannot cover both -- only the part time caregiver is addressed here.

    Our caregiver, I’ll call her Donna, sees Mom twice a week for a few hours each day. Her total interaction is eight hours a week. We talk with her employer at least once a week to get feedback, and we make sure that certain things are being accomplished for Mom (laundry, cooking, etc.).

    Mom initially wanted nothing to do with a person coming to help her in her home. Today, a few months after Donna has become a part of Mom’s new routine, she looks forward to seeing her. She looks forward to cooking with her, and tells me about the projects they are doing together.  

Donna cannot replace Mom’s three children (my two brothers and I), but she can provide needed interaction, needed routine help, a smile and a hot bowl of soup. Donna’s presence is a welcome, healing touch, as any good caregiver’s presence should be.

If you are considering bringing someone into your loved one’s home to help care for them, do your research. Find a reputable company (Donna works for “Comfort Keepers” -- they are wonderful) and interview people. Look for reviews of their work. Ask for references. You would do no less if you were hiring a new employee to work for your company. Due diligence is required here, too.  And remember, Mom loves seeing you. Just like we always have to remember that our best efforts are fine, but giving Mom a hug in person. . .well that’s irreplacable.

Keep sharing your stories with us. We enjoy hearing from you.

When There Is More Than One Opinion On What to Do Next, What Do You Do Next?

                Mom is doing well, having a caregiver come into her house to visit with her once a week. The idea, of course, is to have the care-giver there to do the things that are hard for Mom to do on her own. Pulling the bed clothes, doing larger cleaning projects, cooking meals that involve more than the microwave, etc.
           Mom now knows that Saturday is the day when Sharon (not her real name) arrives. So Mom tries to make sure the house is clean before she gets there. On one hand, it misses the point. On the other hand, however, it’s just fine. Mom always had a spotless house. This gives her a particular reason to keep things ‘just so.’
           Some of us want to ramp up the care-giver’s responsibilities by having her come in two days a week. Then three days a week, and so on. Others are not as anxious to make that move. Money is not a motivating factor. It’s not the expense. It is the idea that Mom is losing more autonomy.
           Do we continue to take more of her self-reliance and autonomy away from her in the name of ‘protecting’ her?  It is not an easy call. No one is pushing back from adding the second day each week with their words. But there is not a clear agreement between all three of us (and we are all named as the attorney-in-fact, in succession).  So we’re not sure of the next step.

One thing we have in our favor is that we are talking. Communication is very important, even if you don’t agree on everything.  Keep the lines of communication open between all who are helping to make the decisions for your loved one. Include that loved one if at all possible.

          As for us, we’ll have an answer. Soon. I’m sure.      

Taking the Best Option Available

Taking care of our mom has been my brothers’ and my priority for months now. The question has been how to do it. Mom gets around on her own, though not as quickly as she once did. She takes care of herself, but not with the ease that accompanied her in more youthful days. So how do we help when we know she isn’t crazy about the idea of seeking help or asking for help?

If you’ve followed our journey at all, you know that we have tried having an in-home caregiver visit Mom at her house. In fact, we’ve tried it twice with no success. After conferring with each other, the three of us boys decided “one more try” was what we needed, only this time, we would be there for the entire first visit (Hey, even baseball gives you three strikes before you’re out!).

Our third try was decidedly more successful. We worked with Comfort Keepers, a national organization which is available in most areas. Comfort Keepers sent out their caregiver as well as the ‘intake’ person who helped familiarize Mom with their services. It was a little awkward for Mom, having a ‘stranger’ in her house. But with my one brother and me there, we were able to keep things moving in the right direction. The intake person left after about an hour, leaving three hours for my mom and the caregiver, I’ll call her “Mabel” for this writing, to get acquainted.

By the end of her first shift in Mom’s house, Mabel and Mom were getting along quite well. Mom even struggled out of her chair to give Mabel a hug. It was sweet. Mom’s words to the three of us, after Mabel was gone, were reassuring:

“I don’t think I need someone here to help me, but you three do. I guess, if that’s the way it has to be, then it’s okay with me. I like Mabel.”

We’re now happily moving forward. Presently it is one day a week -- each Saturday. This will, hopefully, turn into two days a week, then three, then more.

Please let us know if you have any questions concerning caring for your loved one.  We can be reached at info@mateyalaw.com.  We look forward to hearing from you.

   

Do We Take Control By Easing Up On The Reins?

     When you’re trying to make the right decision for your aging parent, it is easy to

fall into the ‘management’ mode.

● Review your choices

● Look at the pros and cons of each choice

● Make the best decision you can based on the empirical evidence in front of

you.

     The problem is, that has all the warmth and caring of an accounting (my apology to my accountant friends). No, you have to go further.

     When my mother refused the care-giver in her home recently, both of my brothers decided a slower, ‘walk before you run’ approach might be best. My interviews and analysis were no match for their caring attitudes.

     “What does Mom feel like, having someone new in her home?”

     “When did Mom decide this was what she wanted?”

     So we’ve scaled our plans back to a helper there one day a week, just to aid with laundry, some food preparation, light housework, etc. The hope is that, as Mom’s comfort level grows, the days and times the care-giver is there can be increased.

     We’re all on the power of attorney document and any of us could try to power our way through the others. But no one would be helped by that. Especially not Mom. We’ll continue to work together. And Mom, who was the reason for our efforts, will live out her days with a little more comfort, a little less worry, and with three boys who are doing their best to take care of her.

     Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.

The Right Care For Mom Might Be At “.com”

    All three of us (brothers) are trying to put the best face on helping Mom. In- home care now seems inevitable. We’re interviewing candidates, trying out friends of the family, taking Mom’s ideas into account, and hoping for the best.

    As we look at bringing a stranger into her life to help care for her basic needs, we’re also living our own, individual lives. Busy at work. Sometimes at play. We’re trying to give Mom our best without missing a beat in our personal and professional lives. At times, we’re doing both badly. At least that is how it feels.
   
    The Bible says that it is God who gives the increase, it is He who makes our plans prosper. We’re doing our best, trying to choose someone to help, and looking for a ‘plan’ that will work. Trusting in God may sound like a cop out to some, but to me, today, it is the best place I can be. The only place I can be. . .

    I signed in to www.care.com. If you have not checked them out, you should do so if your journey is anything like ours. Care.com is a company that I have recommended to many of my clients, and now I am using myself. They allow individuals like myself to post care-giving opportunities. They also allow care-givers, after proper vetting, to post their resumes.

    www.care.com has been our starting point, along with family friends. Check them out, and thank you for all the kind words since my last post.

A Defining Moment

           With all that I’ve shared over the past several dozen blogs, I have danced around, as we all do, one of the main questions that none of us who are caring for an aging loved-one ever wants to face: “What will I do if I think Mom is no longer able to live alone and care for herself?”  I pray you never reach that moment or, if you do, you reach it with your aging parent’s participation.

           With my mom, we are facing that ever-increasingly obvious question. We are trying valiantly to allow Mom to stay where she is comfortable, where she wants to be. At home. I figured that it has been forty-eight years since she and my late father moved all five of us into the new, all brick house. What a treasure it was. New walls, new floors and a two-car garage as the lowest portion of our split-level home. It was paradise.
       
    And Mom still sees it as paradise. She grew up in the depression where, as she has said, “If we ate chicken for dinner it was only because earlier that day we had cut its off its head  and plucked its feathers.” The good old days weren’t all good. Mom sees this house as the culmination of what she and my father worked so hard for. Where she wanted to live. And where she wants to die.
       
    So when she pointed to the closed door of one of the rooms of the house where she has lived for nearly half a century and said “What’s in there?” I knew it was time to start facing the hard question.  So my brothers and I are taking steps, again, to have someone come in to help Mom stay in the house. We are doing all we can within our means to allow her to stay. Only time will show if we are making the right decision.

If It Doesn’t Bother Mom. . .

           Sometimes, when we’re wrestling with the nuances of taking care of our 86-year-old mother, we stumble over our own feet.
       
    One of us will say “We must replace that old chair. It’s so worn and beaten down, it looks awful and it”s so hard to get in and out of.” Or another of us will will say “I know Mom isn’t getting enough vegetables. She eats the same thing all the time.”
          

Both of these statements may be true, but you have to balance doing what is ‘right’ with allowing Mom to have things the way she likes them. One thing I have learned, working with seniors for many years in the estate planning business, is that most seniors like routine. Routines help stabilize life. If the senior in your life has lost a loved one, as in the case of my mom, then the routine may be providing comfort that was once provided by a loving hand.

Of course, if there are things in your senior’s life which are harmful to them, you may need to take action even if they don’t exactly appreciate it. But if your mom’s  routine includes watching the five- o’clock news from a chair that makes Archie Bunker’s chair look fresh and new,  you may be better served to leave well enough alone and look for other ways you can assist her. Like maybe baking her a pie. . .even if she does need more vegetables.

Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.

Approaching an Uncomfortable Topic

The first time we tried to have all of Mom’s estate planning documents reviewed, she balked. She did not want to address ‘that stuff.’ We weren’t in any hurry for Mom to need a will or a power of attorney document, but we also didn’t want to be in an emergency situation later, trying to hurriedly get done what should have already been in place.

The second time (probably six years between the first and second attempts) we were more insistent, and Mom was slightly more amenable to the task. Never mind that we had to sit on either side of her at the local Eat-n-Park and not give her any way out before she would sign the documents.  I may be exaggerating, but only a little.   

Today, five years after that eventful morning, she is glad to have all her documents in order.

None of us is happy to discuss these estate planning/end-of-life matters. Who wants to talk about what happens to all of my chotchkies after I die? We don’t want to talk about dying. Most of us are uncomfortable talking about dying. And therein lies the problem in helping Mom through her power of attorney document. I don’t have many answers in how to address these issues. I simply know you need to start that conversation, and the sooner the better in most cases.

We knew our Mom would be reasonable. Eventually. And she has been. You? In your situation? You know your Mom, your Dad. You need to prayerfully approach this subject with them, probably more than once, in order to get the ball rolling.

Send us your ‘how I had the talk with my parents’ story. I would love to hear them, and maybe even run one or two of them. Till next time. . .

Does Mobility Matter?

         My brothers and I are doing our best to care for Mom. If you’ve followed my story at all, you know that we, like most families, are struggling with things like when is the right time to address living arrangements (having the talk with your parents), financial matters, appointing an attorney in fact through a power of attorney and so forth.  We never thought about mobility. . .
                   When you think of “Mom” your mind goes to a picture of your mother. For most of us, our mental picture of our mother is one where she is smiling, vibrant and full of life. But what is the reality today?
                   My mother cannot move as easily and fluidly as she once did. She enjoyed digging in the garden, doing yard work in general, and walking. She loved to walk. Where we lived, there was a shopping center about a mile away. She worked at the drug store there the whole time I was growing up. Mom would walk to work, she would walk to the grocery store. She would sometimes walk to her sister’s house, about four miles away.  Today she has a hard time walking across the living room. She stubbornly refuses to use her walker. She says “That’s for old people,” and laughs. She is 87.  
                   When we think about what Mom can and cannot do for herself (a question, by the way, she never even considers. . .in her mind she can still do anything she wants to do!), we are forced to first consider her mobility and her tolerance for sitting or standing in one place for long periods of time. She isn’t the “Mom” in my mental picture anymore.

         We are trying to remember that she is still the same loving, caring Mom. And she isn’t the same, in all respects. And we’re trying to help Mom. Honestly, we’re not being mean with those walkers and handles near the bathtub. Just leave them there so you can use them ‘when you get to be old.’

When is a Power of Attorney Not Enough?

So what if Aunt Gertrude is being helped by Milly, and Milly is not doing anything she shouldn’t do (as in so many of our earlier examples), but Aunt Gertrude still needs more help.

What if Aunt Gertrude gets to the point where one or more of the following occur:
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to cook for herself unless Milly will visit her
• Aunt Gertrude leaves the water running in the sink, for who knows how long.
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to care for her own routine needs, like bathing.
• Aunt Gertrude gets frustrated because her sister never calls her anymore, and you know that her sister has been dead for ten years.

There may come a time when a durable power of attorney is not enough. Aunt Gertrude may need a legal guardian. This article will begin a discussion of guardianship. This time we’ll tackle two types of guardianships: guardian of the estate and guardian of the person.

The guardian of the person is exactly what it sounds like. This guardian has the responsibility of caring for the person. . .for Aunt Gertrude herself. She has to insure her safety, her well being, where she is living, and her medical care.

The guardian of the estate is the person who is caring for Aunt Gertrude’s financial life and all that it entails. This is the person who is going to be sure Aunt Gertrude’s bills are paid, that her money is secure, and that she can afford the accommodations which are being made for her.

If a power of attorney is in place and you still need further assistance and protection for your Aunt Gertrude, perhaps a guardianship is in order. Contact us in Central Pennsylvania and we will be happy to discuss your case with you. If you are elsewhere, locate an attorney who can assist you.

Mom...Appreciating Limitations

Who wants to help? Who is willing to help in your family? In our case, my brothers and I are all eager to help, if only Mom would let us. But I digress. We want to help, we want to pitch in. One brother is much closer geographically than the other two of us, so he and his wife seem to end up with the long oar more times than not, and that without complaint. Thanks, Tim, in case I haven’t said it yet today.

We look for ways to help, to keep Mom engaged, and with varying degrees of success, we help make her life a little better. We pay bills for her. We each take her out to dinner when we can. Even some of her grandchildren and their wives stop by and take her out to dinner. It’s really great, but it is so limited.
Sometimes, however, what our parents need is a little more space.

Billy Graham, in his latest book, “Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Strong” (a book he wrote several years ago when he was only 93) says that he enjoys visitors, especially family “for about an hour.” After that, he says, it simply takes too much energy. Today in our hurry-up world, we want to squeeze in a month or a year’s worth of visiting in the two or three days (or hours) that we’re willing to allot to our senior family members. The truth is, most of the seniors in our lives, my mom included, loves our company. But, like Reverend Graham says, for ‘about an hour.’ Mom’s energy is not what I remember it to be. So I always find I have to temper my actions to suit her needs, not mine.

So Mom, we love you. We will keep trying our best to make your life easier and nicer. And, yes, you have our permission to ‘kick us out’ after about an hour. I hope this makes you smile. . .

A New Form of Needed Help - Phone Scams

The phone at my office rings. It is Mom’s neighbor, the one who looks in on her and who helps her with grocery shopping and the dog. She has never called me at my office before, so I know immediately that it is important, and I’m praying that it is not something awful.

She tells me Mom is okay and I’m breathing a little easier.

She begins to tell me about a series of phone calls Mom has received and then tells me that she is much more worried about Mom’s reaction to the phone call than the content of the phone call. She then puts Mom on the phone.

“Mom, who is calling you?”

“I’m not sure. But they said I won money and they were going to put it directly into my bank account.”

“Mom, it’s a scam.”

“Well, I thought it might be, but the girl was so insistent. When I told her I would call her back, she called me back. Over and over. She called me by my first name. She wouldn’t leave me alone because she said this money would certainly help me.”

By this time, I can hear a quiver in Mom’s voice. She was being badgered by this scam artist.

“How many times have they called you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ten times a day for the past three days.”

What ensued over the next two days were phone calls from my office to Mom’s phone carrier explaining what was happening. I did some online investigating and learned that this scam was not new, but that it also was not going to go away easily.

The phone company, in Mom’s case, Comcast, had several protective measures which were easy to put into place. I have listed both Comcast and Verizon contact information at the bottom of this blog entry for your use. Without any additional cost to Mom, we were able to place a restriction on Mom’s phone number that would keep her phone from accepting calls from any line which has an anonymous phone number. Some companies pay to have their phone number blocked or simply listed as “unknown” or “anonymous” on your caller ID when they phone. That way, you are more likely to answer the call. With this Comcast protective measure in place, those calls (which include the company who was bothering my mom) don’t even ring at your home. They are completely blocked.

We also used another free Comcast service whereby we intentionally blocked numbers which we know to be telemarketers.

Taking care of Mom means doing whatever is necessary, including helping her with the phone if she needs it. Hey – didn’t she help you learn how to use the phone (or ride a bike) when you were younger? It’s your turn. . .

Comcast Customer Security Assurance Number 888-565-4329
Comcast Legal Response Center 866-947-8572
Verizon Security and Unlawful Call Center 800-257-2969

Bringing out the Best in You

You can’t be there with mom, every minute, every day. If you are like my brothers and I, you each have your own lives to live with your own sets of details, successes and challenges to address. So you do all you can for the senior in your life. For us, it’s our mom.

Mom doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. She is content to be right where she is, taking each new day as any other day. We would like for her to read more, to keep her mind sharp, but she doesn’t. And you know, by the time someone has reached 80 something – you are not likely going to make them do anything. You can cajole, you can suggest, but you are very unlikely to force a change.

So we do all we can to make her life better. Sometimes, that means we allow our internal frustration to stay under wraps, so that we can sit and just be with her. And perhaps that is all she really needs. Maybe she just likes our company.

Like the most recent time I saw her, when I left the house (the same one I grew up in all those years ago), I left a note on the pillow of my old bed telling her I loved her and pinned a gift card to the local grocery store – the one she goes shopping at every Monday with her neighbors. She scolded me on the phone afterward. “I don’t want you spending your money like that.” But then she thanked me for being so thoughtful. And I know she likes having a little extra at the grocery store to buy those butter cookies she likes but most times won’t buy for herself.

I almost began the preceding paragraph, “Like the last time I saw her…” but changed it. I don’t want to think of any time I spend time with her as being my ‘last’ time to see her. And all of the legal machinations of the proper power of attorney documents and precise planning won’t mean anything after my brothers and I have had our ‘last’ visit with our mom.

So what is the point of this blog, and how does it relate to our power of attorney discussion? I’m not sure, but remember to give your mom what she really wants. Time with you. Maybe that’s worth more than all the legal advice I can ever give.