Who wants to help? Who is willing to help in your family? In our case, my brothers and I are all eager to help, if only Mom would let us. But I digress. We want to help, we want to pitch in. One brother is much closer geographically than the other two of us, so he and his wife seem to end up with the long oar more times than not, and that without complaint. Thanks, Tim, in case I haven’t said it yet today.
We look for ways to help, to keep Mom engaged, and with varying degrees of success, we help make her life a little better. We pay bills for her. We each take her out to dinner when we can. Even some of her grandchildren and their wives stop by and take her out to dinner. It’s really great, but it is so limited.
Sometimes, however, what our parents need is a little more space.
Billy Graham, in his latest book, “Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Strong” (a book he wrote several years ago when he was only 93) says that he enjoys visitors, especially family “for about an hour.” After that, he says, it simply takes too much energy. Today in our hurry-up world, we want to squeeze in a month or a year’s worth of visiting in the two or three days (or hours) that we’re willing to allot to our senior family members. The truth is, most of the seniors in our lives, my mom included, loves our company. But, like Reverend Graham says, for ‘about an hour.’ Mom’s energy is not what I remember it to be. So I always find I have to temper my actions to suit her needs, not mine.
So Mom, we love you. We will keep trying our best to make your life easier and nicer. And, yes, you have our permission to ‘kick us out’ after about an hour. I hope this makes you smile. . .
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A New Form of Needed Help - Phone Scams
The phone at my office rings. It is Mom’s neighbor, the one who looks in on her and who helps her with grocery shopping and the dog. She has never called me at my office before, so I know immediately that it is important, and I’m praying that it is not something awful.
She tells me Mom is okay and I’m breathing a little easier.
She begins to tell me about a series of phone calls Mom has received and then tells me that she is much more worried about Mom’s reaction to the phone call than the content of the phone call. She then puts Mom on the phone.
“Mom, who is calling you?”
“I’m not sure. But they said I won money and they were going to put it directly into my bank account.”
“Mom, it’s a scam.”
“Well, I thought it might be, but the girl was so insistent. When I told her I would call her back, she called me back. Over and over. She called me by my first name. She wouldn’t leave me alone because she said this money would certainly help me.”
By this time, I can hear a quiver in Mom’s voice. She was being badgered by this scam artist.
“How many times have they called you?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ten times a day for the past three days.”
What ensued over the next two days were phone calls from my office to Mom’s phone carrier explaining what was happening. I did some online investigating and learned that this scam was not new, but that it also was not going to go away easily.
The phone company, in Mom’s case, Comcast, had several protective measures which were easy to put into place. I have listed both Comcast and Verizon contact information at the bottom of this blog entry for your use. Without any additional cost to Mom, we were able to place a restriction on Mom’s phone number that would keep her phone from accepting calls from any line which has an anonymous phone number. Some companies pay to have their phone number blocked or simply listed as “unknown” or “anonymous” on your caller ID when they phone. That way, you are more likely to answer the call. With this Comcast protective measure in place, those calls (which include the company who was bothering my mom) don’t even ring at your home. They are completely blocked.
We also used another free Comcast service whereby we intentionally blocked numbers which we know to be telemarketers.
Taking care of Mom means doing whatever is necessary, including helping her with the phone if she needs it. Hey – didn’t she help you learn how to use the phone (or ride a bike) when you were younger? It’s your turn. . .
Comcast Customer Security Assurance Number 888-565-4329
Comcast Legal Response Center 866-947-8572
Verizon Security and Unlawful Call Center 800-257-2969
She tells me Mom is okay and I’m breathing a little easier.
She begins to tell me about a series of phone calls Mom has received and then tells me that she is much more worried about Mom’s reaction to the phone call than the content of the phone call. She then puts Mom on the phone.
“Mom, who is calling you?”
“I’m not sure. But they said I won money and they were going to put it directly into my bank account.”
“Mom, it’s a scam.”
“Well, I thought it might be, but the girl was so insistent. When I told her I would call her back, she called me back. Over and over. She called me by my first name. She wouldn’t leave me alone because she said this money would certainly help me.”
By this time, I can hear a quiver in Mom’s voice. She was being badgered by this scam artist.
“How many times have they called you?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ten times a day for the past three days.”
What ensued over the next two days were phone calls from my office to Mom’s phone carrier explaining what was happening. I did some online investigating and learned that this scam was not new, but that it also was not going to go away easily.
The phone company, in Mom’s case, Comcast, had several protective measures which were easy to put into place. I have listed both Comcast and Verizon contact information at the bottom of this blog entry for your use. Without any additional cost to Mom, we were able to place a restriction on Mom’s phone number that would keep her phone from accepting calls from any line which has an anonymous phone number. Some companies pay to have their phone number blocked or simply listed as “unknown” or “anonymous” on your caller ID when they phone. That way, you are more likely to answer the call. With this Comcast protective measure in place, those calls (which include the company who was bothering my mom) don’t even ring at your home. They are completely blocked.
We also used another free Comcast service whereby we intentionally blocked numbers which we know to be telemarketers.
Taking care of Mom means doing whatever is necessary, including helping her with the phone if she needs it. Hey – didn’t she help you learn how to use the phone (or ride a bike) when you were younger? It’s your turn. . .
Comcast Customer Security Assurance Number 888-565-4329
Comcast Legal Response Center 866-947-8572
Verizon Security and Unlawful Call Center 800-257-2969
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Bringing out the Best in You
You can’t be there with mom, every minute, every day. If you are like my brothers and I, you each have your own lives to live with your own sets of details, successes and challenges to address. So you do all you can for the senior in your life. For us, it’s our mom.
Mom doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. She is content to be right where she is, taking each new day as any other day. We would like for her to read more, to keep her mind sharp, but she doesn’t. And you know, by the time someone has reached 80 something – you are not likely going to make them do anything. You can cajole, you can suggest, but you are very unlikely to force a change.
So we do all we can to make her life better. Sometimes, that means we allow our internal frustration to stay under wraps, so that we can sit and just be with her. And perhaps that is all she really needs. Maybe she just likes our company.
Like the most recent time I saw her, when I left the house (the same one I grew up in all those years ago), I left a note on the pillow of my old bed telling her I loved her and pinned a gift card to the local grocery store – the one she goes shopping at every Monday with her neighbors. She scolded me on the phone afterward. “I don’t want you spending your money like that.” But then she thanked me for being so thoughtful. And I know she likes having a little extra at the grocery store to buy those butter cookies she likes but most times won’t buy for herself.
I almost began the preceding paragraph, “Like the last time I saw her…” but changed it. I don’t want to think of any time I spend time with her as being my ‘last’ time to see her. And all of the legal machinations of the proper power of attorney documents and precise planning won’t mean anything after my brothers and I have had our ‘last’ visit with our mom.
So what is the point of this blog, and how does it relate to our power of attorney discussion? I’m not sure, but remember to give your mom what she really wants. Time with you. Maybe that’s worth more than all the legal advice I can ever give.
Mom doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. She is content to be right where she is, taking each new day as any other day. We would like for her to read more, to keep her mind sharp, but she doesn’t. And you know, by the time someone has reached 80 something – you are not likely going to make them do anything. You can cajole, you can suggest, but you are very unlikely to force a change.
So we do all we can to make her life better. Sometimes, that means we allow our internal frustration to stay under wraps, so that we can sit and just be with her. And perhaps that is all she really needs. Maybe she just likes our company.
Like the most recent time I saw her, when I left the house (the same one I grew up in all those years ago), I left a note on the pillow of my old bed telling her I loved her and pinned a gift card to the local grocery store – the one she goes shopping at every Monday with her neighbors. She scolded me on the phone afterward. “I don’t want you spending your money like that.” But then she thanked me for being so thoughtful. And I know she likes having a little extra at the grocery store to buy those butter cookies she likes but most times won’t buy for herself.
I almost began the preceding paragraph, “Like the last time I saw her…” but changed it. I don’t want to think of any time I spend time with her as being my ‘last’ time to see her. And all of the legal machinations of the proper power of attorney documents and precise planning won’t mean anything after my brothers and I have had our ‘last’ visit with our mom.
So what is the point of this blog, and how does it relate to our power of attorney discussion? I’m not sure, but remember to give your mom what she really wants. Time with you. Maybe that’s worth more than all the legal advice I can ever give.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Making the Best Decisions For Mom
Recently, we had a suggestion that Mom, who is 86, have a certain medical procedure. Most times we are all the type who say “whatever the doctor ordered” is what we are going to do. This time, however, we weren’t so sure. Mom is frail, and doesn’t have the reserve energy she once had.
If you are a caregiver, you have either been at these crossroads before and are yawning, saying ‘tell me something I didn’t already know,’ or you have not yet crossed this bridge. If not, get ready…your turn is coming.
Whether it’s helping decide on the best nutrition for Mom, or you and the doctor having to decide if Mom can handle another round of chemotherapy, you are making some tough decisions. And, let’s face it, we weren’t prepared to be our parents’ caregivers. We’re in a role reversal.
My brothers and I talked to each other about what we knew, what we read, and what we feared could happen. We discussed the pros and cons with each other, including friends with expertise and companions who know and love Mom. We spoke with the physicians, their assistants, and in the end, decided the ‘cure’ might be much worse than the ‘sickness.’ This was the pole star by which we set our course.
But we didn’t talk to Mom. No one asked her for her opinion. We didn’t include her, mostly out of fear of having to discuss an embarrassing issue. And also – remember – we’re doing what’s best for Mom. That somehow gave us a ‘get out of jail free’ card when it came to soliciting her advice.
Now that this storm has passed, how do we feel? Pretty good. Except the not-asking-Mom part. That feels a little awkward. But this care-giver role is filled with paradoxes and role reversals. So a little awkward is probably not so unusual at all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
When Caring Isn’t What Mom Needs
My mom is doing well living in her own home, using her cane rarely – her walker even less. She hasn’t had her hearing aids in for years, but she manages. My brothers and I are always talking, always scheming of ways to help mom. . .then when we run our “idea du jour” by her, she often tells us “No thank you,” whether it’s replacing her old chair or suggesting some new device which will help make her life easier.
We care about Mom. We want her golden years to be enjoyable. But our form of caring, with all our ideas of what she needs or the new gadget we think she should have next, isn’t necessarily what Mom wants. Mom wants to know her boys are doing well. She wants to hug her grandchildren and remember with them the times they stayed at her house and baked cookies together.
Don’t let your role as caregiver turn you in to an automaton who simply looks for the newest, the best, the safest, or the most-likely to prevent tooth-decay robot. Remember that this is your mom, or your dad. Remember that this is the person who helped bring you into this world and helped raise you to be the man or woman you are today.
My recent visit home to see Mom reminded me that she loves me. She wants the best for me. She doesn’t need me to explain to her how the documents I drafted for her will protect her in one thousand different ways. She wants to know how her grandchildren are doing. And she still wants to look out for me. When she learned that I have been canning food, she immediately led me to the cellar where she showed me rows of Quart Mason Jars – and asked me if I could use them. She wanted to help me. . .
Caregivers – don’t be so zealous to help your mother that you forget to allow her to continue to be your caregiver, your mom, too.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Taking Control without Taking Control
Your parents took care of you -- wiped your nose, helped you with your homework, looked for a good college or apartment with you, and maybe even walked you down the aisle. So now that they are older, perhaps more feeble and well past their income earning years, they need your help. No, they don’t need help with their homework, but they might need help in finding a good apartment -- that is, long term care facility. And the needs of one set of parents are different from the needs of the next set of parents, just like when you were a child and your needs and those of your siblings or your neighbors were different.
If you’ve followed my story, you know that my brothers and I are trying to care for our aging mother. And the issues we face are perhaps the same as those that you are facing, caring for your own parents. Or not. In any case, it continues to be my hope that my journey-on-display will be some help and comfort for anyone who is standing in my shoes.
We have divided Mom’s bills, leaving some of them with her and taking others on ourselves so as to allow her some control without giving her so much that it is overwhelming to her. None of us are convinced that her doctor is the best for her. Neither is she. To be fair, he has not been bad for her. He has been a part of her routine for many years, but not like a family friend, sort of like the Department of Transportation -- its always there, but not exactly warm and fuzzy. So we discussed a possible switch to another physician.
“No thank you,” was Mom’s entire response.
Is it because she likes this doctor? Does she trust him, or is it inertia? We want what is best for Mom, and it may well be that switching doctors would be the best thing for her. So we probed a little further.
“No thank you,” was the predictable response.
So we continue, hoping to help Mom’s golden years be as comfortable as possible. We have taken some of the financial burden off her. We have introduced her to a possible long-term care facility and have gotten her acquainted with a few people at the facility. We aren’t trying to control her. Not that much, anyway. Just enough for her own good. Just like she did for us.
Please keep sharing your stories and feedback.
If you’ve followed my story, you know that my brothers and I are trying to care for our aging mother. And the issues we face are perhaps the same as those that you are facing, caring for your own parents. Or not. In any case, it continues to be my hope that my journey-on-display will be some help and comfort for anyone who is standing in my shoes.
We have divided Mom’s bills, leaving some of them with her and taking others on ourselves so as to allow her some control without giving her so much that it is overwhelming to her. None of us are convinced that her doctor is the best for her. Neither is she. To be fair, he has not been bad for her. He has been a part of her routine for many years, but not like a family friend, sort of like the Department of Transportation -- its always there, but not exactly warm and fuzzy. So we discussed a possible switch to another physician.
“No thank you,” was Mom’s entire response.
Is it because she likes this doctor? Does she trust him, or is it inertia? We want what is best for Mom, and it may well be that switching doctors would be the best thing for her. So we probed a little further.
“No thank you,” was the predictable response.
So we continue, hoping to help Mom’s golden years be as comfortable as possible. We have taken some of the financial burden off her. We have introduced her to a possible long-term care facility and have gotten her acquainted with a few people at the facility. We aren’t trying to control her. Not that much, anyway. Just enough for her own good. Just like she did for us.
Please keep sharing your stories and feedback.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Caring for our Parents: Balancing the Need to Help With the Need for Independence
We may have different ways of showing it, but most of us want our parents to be happy and well cared for in their golden years. Some of us want to rush in and set things up for Mom or Dad so that we know that they are well provided for. Others believe “if Mom needs my help, she’ll ask me.” So we’re all over the map.
But what about Mom? Everything we’re thinking, everything we’re trying to work out is from our point of view. What does it look like from her point of view? In my own story, you know that my brothers and I are doing our best to care for our mom. She is content living in her own home, taking care of her self. She is mobile, alert and loves being in the home she has known for most of her adult life. (I was six when we moved into the house and I’m on the other side of 50 today.) So we thought that we had a great plan to help Mom stay in the house.
“Let’s start paying some of Mom’s monthly bills.”
“Yeah. I’ll pay the electric and you pay the water and sewer and I’ll pay the trash bill. We were so happy with ourselves. “What great sons we are. Taking this load off of Mom’s back.”
Then the idea was raised. . .”but what if Mom likes taking care of herself. In fact, Mom is really good at taking care of these few expenses. She manages her modest income, and careflully logs everything in a ledger book . She takes pride in taking care of these bills. She’s done it since dad passed almost 30 years ago.
“Oh my God!! We’ve taken away the last vestige of dignity that mom possesses” (Perhaps we were a little overboard, but you get the idea).
So we had already divided up the monthly utility bills and were bracing for mom’s slow decline as a result of our now seemingly heartless act of taking away her responsibilities . How would she react. Would she be upset? Depressed?
We’ll continue more with this line of thought the next time. The answer isn’t as important as the question...What is best for Mom? If what you are doing to care for your parent is all about you, perhaps you better take the time to rethink your point of view.
“Keep sharing your comments, . . .we enjoy hearing your stories.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)