Does Mobility Matter?

         My brothers and I are doing our best to care for Mom. If you’ve followed my story at all, you know that we, like most families, are struggling with things like when is the right time to address living arrangements (having the talk with your parents), financial matters, appointing an attorney in fact through a power of attorney and so forth.  We never thought about mobility. . .
                   When you think of “Mom” your mind goes to a picture of your mother. For most of us, our mental picture of our mother is one where she is smiling, vibrant and full of life. But what is the reality today?
                   My mother cannot move as easily and fluidly as she once did. She enjoyed digging in the garden, doing yard work in general, and walking. She loved to walk. Where we lived, there was a shopping center about a mile away. She worked at the drug store there the whole time I was growing up. Mom would walk to work, she would walk to the grocery store. She would sometimes walk to her sister’s house, about four miles away.  Today she has a hard time walking across the living room. She stubbornly refuses to use her walker. She says “That’s for old people,” and laughs. She is 87.  
                   When we think about what Mom can and cannot do for herself (a question, by the way, she never even considers. . .in her mind she can still do anything she wants to do!), we are forced to first consider her mobility and her tolerance for sitting or standing in one place for long periods of time. She isn’t the “Mom” in my mental picture anymore.

         We are trying to remember that she is still the same loving, caring Mom. And she isn’t the same, in all respects. And we’re trying to help Mom. Honestly, we’re not being mean with those walkers and handles near the bathtub. Just leave them there so you can use them ‘when you get to be old.’

When is a Power of Attorney Not Enough?

So what if Aunt Gertrude is being helped by Milly, and Milly is not doing anything she shouldn’t do (as in so many of our earlier examples), but Aunt Gertrude still needs more help.

What if Aunt Gertrude gets to the point where one or more of the following occur:
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to cook for herself unless Milly will visit her
• Aunt Gertrude leaves the water running in the sink, for who knows how long.
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to care for her own routine needs, like bathing.
• Aunt Gertrude gets frustrated because her sister never calls her anymore, and you know that her sister has been dead for ten years.

There may come a time when a durable power of attorney is not enough. Aunt Gertrude may need a legal guardian. This article will begin a discussion of guardianship. This time we’ll tackle two types of guardianships: guardian of the estate and guardian of the person.

The guardian of the person is exactly what it sounds like. This guardian has the responsibility of caring for the person. . .for Aunt Gertrude herself. She has to insure her safety, her well being, where she is living, and her medical care.

The guardian of the estate is the person who is caring for Aunt Gertrude’s financial life and all that it entails. This is the person who is going to be sure Aunt Gertrude’s bills are paid, that her money is secure, and that she can afford the accommodations which are being made for her.

If a power of attorney is in place and you still need further assistance and protection for your Aunt Gertrude, perhaps a guardianship is in order. Contact us in Central Pennsylvania and we will be happy to discuss your case with you. If you are elsewhere, locate an attorney who can assist you.

Mom...Appreciating Limitations

Who wants to help? Who is willing to help in your family? In our case, my brothers and I are all eager to help, if only Mom would let us. But I digress. We want to help, we want to pitch in. One brother is much closer geographically than the other two of us, so he and his wife seem to end up with the long oar more times than not, and that without complaint. Thanks, Tim, in case I haven’t said it yet today.

We look for ways to help, to keep Mom engaged, and with varying degrees of success, we help make her life a little better. We pay bills for her. We each take her out to dinner when we can. Even some of her grandchildren and their wives stop by and take her out to dinner. It’s really great, but it is so limited.
Sometimes, however, what our parents need is a little more space.

Billy Graham, in his latest book, “Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Strong” (a book he wrote several years ago when he was only 93) says that he enjoys visitors, especially family “for about an hour.” After that, he says, it simply takes too much energy. Today in our hurry-up world, we want to squeeze in a month or a year’s worth of visiting in the two or three days (or hours) that we’re willing to allot to our senior family members. The truth is, most of the seniors in our lives, my mom included, loves our company. But, like Reverend Graham says, for ‘about an hour.’ Mom’s energy is not what I remember it to be. So I always find I have to temper my actions to suit her needs, not mine.

So Mom, we love you. We will keep trying our best to make your life easier and nicer. And, yes, you have our permission to ‘kick us out’ after about an hour. I hope this makes you smile. . .

A New Form of Needed Help - Phone Scams

The phone at my office rings. It is Mom’s neighbor, the one who looks in on her and who helps her with grocery shopping and the dog. She has never called me at my office before, so I know immediately that it is important, and I’m praying that it is not something awful.

She tells me Mom is okay and I’m breathing a little easier.

She begins to tell me about a series of phone calls Mom has received and then tells me that she is much more worried about Mom’s reaction to the phone call than the content of the phone call. She then puts Mom on the phone.

“Mom, who is calling you?”

“I’m not sure. But they said I won money and they were going to put it directly into my bank account.”

“Mom, it’s a scam.”

“Well, I thought it might be, but the girl was so insistent. When I told her I would call her back, she called me back. Over and over. She called me by my first name. She wouldn’t leave me alone because she said this money would certainly help me.”

By this time, I can hear a quiver in Mom’s voice. She was being badgered by this scam artist.

“How many times have they called you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe ten times a day for the past three days.”

What ensued over the next two days were phone calls from my office to Mom’s phone carrier explaining what was happening. I did some online investigating and learned that this scam was not new, but that it also was not going to go away easily.

The phone company, in Mom’s case, Comcast, had several protective measures which were easy to put into place. I have listed both Comcast and Verizon contact information at the bottom of this blog entry for your use. Without any additional cost to Mom, we were able to place a restriction on Mom’s phone number that would keep her phone from accepting calls from any line which has an anonymous phone number. Some companies pay to have their phone number blocked or simply listed as “unknown” or “anonymous” on your caller ID when they phone. That way, you are more likely to answer the call. With this Comcast protective measure in place, those calls (which include the company who was bothering my mom) don’t even ring at your home. They are completely blocked.

We also used another free Comcast service whereby we intentionally blocked numbers which we know to be telemarketers.

Taking care of Mom means doing whatever is necessary, including helping her with the phone if she needs it. Hey – didn’t she help you learn how to use the phone (or ride a bike) when you were younger? It’s your turn. . .

Comcast Customer Security Assurance Number 888-565-4329
Comcast Legal Response Center 866-947-8572
Verizon Security and Unlawful Call Center 800-257-2969

Bringing out the Best in You

You can’t be there with mom, every minute, every day. If you are like my brothers and I, you each have your own lives to live with your own sets of details, successes and challenges to address. So you do all you can for the senior in your life. For us, it’s our mom.

Mom doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. She is content to be right where she is, taking each new day as any other day. We would like for her to read more, to keep her mind sharp, but she doesn’t. And you know, by the time someone has reached 80 something – you are not likely going to make them do anything. You can cajole, you can suggest, but you are very unlikely to force a change.

So we do all we can to make her life better. Sometimes, that means we allow our internal frustration to stay under wraps, so that we can sit and just be with her. And perhaps that is all she really needs. Maybe she just likes our company.

Like the most recent time I saw her, when I left the house (the same one I grew up in all those years ago), I left a note on the pillow of my old bed telling her I loved her and pinned a gift card to the local grocery store – the one she goes shopping at every Monday with her neighbors. She scolded me on the phone afterward. “I don’t want you spending your money like that.” But then she thanked me for being so thoughtful. And I know she likes having a little extra at the grocery store to buy those butter cookies she likes but most times won’t buy for herself.

I almost began the preceding paragraph, “Like the last time I saw her…” but changed it. I don’t want to think of any time I spend time with her as being my ‘last’ time to see her. And all of the legal machinations of the proper power of attorney documents and precise planning won’t mean anything after my brothers and I have had our ‘last’ visit with our mom.

So what is the point of this blog, and how does it relate to our power of attorney discussion? I’m not sure, but remember to give your mom what she really wants. Time with you. Maybe that’s worth more than all the legal advice I can ever give.

Making the Best Decisions For Mom

        Recently, we had a suggestion that Mom, who is 86, have a certain medical procedure. Most times we are all the type who say “whatever the doctor ordered” is what we are going to do. This time, however, we weren’t so sure. Mom is frail, and doesn’t have the reserve energy she once had.

       If you are a caregiver, you have either been at these crossroads before and are yawning, saying ‘tell me something I didn’t already know,’ or you have not yet crossed this bridge. If not, get ready…your turn is coming.

       Whether it’s helping decide on the best nutrition for Mom, or you and the doctor having to decide if Mom can handle another round of chemotherapy, you are making some tough decisions. And, let’s face it, we weren’t prepared to be our parents’ caregivers. We’re in a role reversal.

       My brothers and I talked to each other about what we knew, what we read, and what we feared could happen. We discussed the pros and cons with each other, including friends with expertise and companions who know and love Mom. We spoke with the physicians, their assistants, and in the end, decided the ‘cure’ might be much worse than the ‘sickness.’ This was the pole star by which we set our course.

       But we didn’t talk to Mom. No one asked her for her opinion. We didn’t include her, mostly out of fear of having to discuss an embarrassing issue. And also – remember – we’re doing what’s best for Mom. That somehow gave us a ‘get out of jail free’ card when it came to soliciting her advice.

Now that this storm has passed, how do we feel? Pretty good. Except the not-asking-Mom part. That feels a little awkward. But this care-giver role is filled with paradoxes and role reversals. So a little awkward is probably not so unusual at all.

When Caring Isn’t What Mom Needs

My mom is doing well living in her own home, using her cane rarely – her walker even less. She hasn’t had her hearing aids in for years, but she manages. My brothers and I are always talking, always scheming of ways to help mom. . .then when we run our “idea du jour” by her, she often tells us “No thank you,” whether it’s replacing her old chair or suggesting some new device which will help make her life easier.

We care about Mom. We want her golden years to be enjoyable. But our form of caring, with all our ideas of what she needs or the new gadget we think she should have next, isn’t necessarily what Mom wants. Mom wants to know her boys are doing well. She wants to hug her grandchildren and remember with them the times they stayed at her house and baked cookies together.

Don’t let your role as caregiver turn you in to an automaton who simply looks for the newest, the best, the safest, or the most-likely to prevent tooth-decay robot. Remember that this is your mom, or your dad. Remember that this is the person who helped bring you into this world and helped raise you to be the man or woman you are today.

My recent visit home to see Mom reminded me that she loves me. She wants the best for me. She doesn’t need me to explain to her how the documents I drafted for her will protect her in one thousand different ways. She wants to know how her grandchildren are doing. And she still wants to look out for me. When she learned that I have been canning food, she immediately led me to the cellar where she showed me rows of Quart Mason Jars – and asked me if I could use them. She wanted to help me. . .

Caregivers – don’t be so zealous to help your mother that you forget to allow her to continue to be your caregiver, your mom, too.