The Right Care For Mom Might Be At “.com”

    All three of us (brothers) are trying to put the best face on helping Mom. In- home care now seems inevitable. We’re interviewing candidates, trying out friends of the family, taking Mom’s ideas into account, and hoping for the best.

    As we look at bringing a stranger into her life to help care for her basic needs, we’re also living our own, individual lives. Busy at work. Sometimes at play. We’re trying to give Mom our best without missing a beat in our personal and professional lives. At times, we’re doing both badly. At least that is how it feels.
   
    The Bible says that it is God who gives the increase, it is He who makes our plans prosper. We’re doing our best, trying to choose someone to help, and looking for a ‘plan’ that will work. Trusting in God may sound like a cop out to some, but to me, today, it is the best place I can be. The only place I can be. . .

    I signed in to www.care.com. If you have not checked them out, you should do so if your journey is anything like ours. Care.com is a company that I have recommended to many of my clients, and now I am using myself. They allow individuals like myself to post care-giving opportunities. They also allow care-givers, after proper vetting, to post their resumes.

    www.care.com has been our starting point, along with family friends. Check them out, and thank you for all the kind words since my last post.

A Defining Moment

           With all that I’ve shared over the past several dozen blogs, I have danced around, as we all do, one of the main questions that none of us who are caring for an aging loved-one ever wants to face: “What will I do if I think Mom is no longer able to live alone and care for herself?”  I pray you never reach that moment or, if you do, you reach it with your aging parent’s participation.

           With my mom, we are facing that ever-increasingly obvious question. We are trying valiantly to allow Mom to stay where she is comfortable, where she wants to be. At home. I figured that it has been forty-eight years since she and my late father moved all five of us into the new, all brick house. What a treasure it was. New walls, new floors and a two-car garage as the lowest portion of our split-level home. It was paradise.
       
    And Mom still sees it as paradise. She grew up in the depression where, as she has said, “If we ate chicken for dinner it was only because earlier that day we had cut its off its head  and plucked its feathers.” The good old days weren’t all good. Mom sees this house as the culmination of what she and my father worked so hard for. Where she wanted to live. And where she wants to die.
       
    So when she pointed to the closed door of one of the rooms of the house where she has lived for nearly half a century and said “What’s in there?” I knew it was time to start facing the hard question.  So my brothers and I are taking steps, again, to have someone come in to help Mom stay in the house. We are doing all we can within our means to allow her to stay. Only time will show if we are making the right decision.

If It Doesn’t Bother Mom. . .

           Sometimes, when we’re wrestling with the nuances of taking care of our 86-year-old mother, we stumble over our own feet.
       
    One of us will say “We must replace that old chair. It’s so worn and beaten down, it looks awful and it”s so hard to get in and out of.” Or another of us will will say “I know Mom isn’t getting enough vegetables. She eats the same thing all the time.”
          

Both of these statements may be true, but you have to balance doing what is ‘right’ with allowing Mom to have things the way she likes them. One thing I have learned, working with seniors for many years in the estate planning business, is that most seniors like routine. Routines help stabilize life. If the senior in your life has lost a loved one, as in the case of my mom, then the routine may be providing comfort that was once provided by a loving hand.

Of course, if there are things in your senior’s life which are harmful to them, you may need to take action even if they don’t exactly appreciate it. But if your mom’s  routine includes watching the five- o’clock news from a chair that makes Archie Bunker’s chair look fresh and new,  you may be better served to leave well enough alone and look for other ways you can assist her. Like maybe baking her a pie. . .even if she does need more vegetables.

Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.

Approaching an Uncomfortable Topic

The first time we tried to have all of Mom’s estate planning documents reviewed, she balked. She did not want to address ‘that stuff.’ We weren’t in any hurry for Mom to need a will or a power of attorney document, but we also didn’t want to be in an emergency situation later, trying to hurriedly get done what should have already been in place.

The second time (probably six years between the first and second attempts) we were more insistent, and Mom was slightly more amenable to the task. Never mind that we had to sit on either side of her at the local Eat-n-Park and not give her any way out before she would sign the documents.  I may be exaggerating, but only a little.   

Today, five years after that eventful morning, she is glad to have all her documents in order.

None of us is happy to discuss these estate planning/end-of-life matters. Who wants to talk about what happens to all of my chotchkies after I die? We don’t want to talk about dying. Most of us are uncomfortable talking about dying. And therein lies the problem in helping Mom through her power of attorney document. I don’t have many answers in how to address these issues. I simply know you need to start that conversation, and the sooner the better in most cases.

We knew our Mom would be reasonable. Eventually. And she has been. You? In your situation? You know your Mom, your Dad. You need to prayerfully approach this subject with them, probably more than once, in order to get the ball rolling.

Send us your ‘how I had the talk with my parents’ story. I would love to hear them, and maybe even run one or two of them. Till next time. . .

Does Mobility Matter?

         My brothers and I are doing our best to care for Mom. If you’ve followed my story at all, you know that we, like most families, are struggling with things like when is the right time to address living arrangements (having the talk with your parents), financial matters, appointing an attorney in fact through a power of attorney and so forth.  We never thought about mobility. . .
                   When you think of “Mom” your mind goes to a picture of your mother. For most of us, our mental picture of our mother is one where she is smiling, vibrant and full of life. But what is the reality today?
                   My mother cannot move as easily and fluidly as she once did. She enjoyed digging in the garden, doing yard work in general, and walking. She loved to walk. Where we lived, there was a shopping center about a mile away. She worked at the drug store there the whole time I was growing up. Mom would walk to work, she would walk to the grocery store. She would sometimes walk to her sister’s house, about four miles away.  Today she has a hard time walking across the living room. She stubbornly refuses to use her walker. She says “That’s for old people,” and laughs. She is 87.  
                   When we think about what Mom can and cannot do for herself (a question, by the way, she never even considers. . .in her mind she can still do anything she wants to do!), we are forced to first consider her mobility and her tolerance for sitting or standing in one place for long periods of time. She isn’t the “Mom” in my mental picture anymore.

         We are trying to remember that she is still the same loving, caring Mom. And she isn’t the same, in all respects. And we’re trying to help Mom. Honestly, we’re not being mean with those walkers and handles near the bathtub. Just leave them there so you can use them ‘when you get to be old.’

When is a Power of Attorney Not Enough?

So what if Aunt Gertrude is being helped by Milly, and Milly is not doing anything she shouldn’t do (as in so many of our earlier examples), but Aunt Gertrude still needs more help.

What if Aunt Gertrude gets to the point where one or more of the following occur:
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to cook for herself unless Milly will visit her
• Aunt Gertrude leaves the water running in the sink, for who knows how long.
• Aunt Gertrude refuses to care for her own routine needs, like bathing.
• Aunt Gertrude gets frustrated because her sister never calls her anymore, and you know that her sister has been dead for ten years.

There may come a time when a durable power of attorney is not enough. Aunt Gertrude may need a legal guardian. This article will begin a discussion of guardianship. This time we’ll tackle two types of guardianships: guardian of the estate and guardian of the person.

The guardian of the person is exactly what it sounds like. This guardian has the responsibility of caring for the person. . .for Aunt Gertrude herself. She has to insure her safety, her well being, where she is living, and her medical care.

The guardian of the estate is the person who is caring for Aunt Gertrude’s financial life and all that it entails. This is the person who is going to be sure Aunt Gertrude’s bills are paid, that her money is secure, and that she can afford the accommodations which are being made for her.

If a power of attorney is in place and you still need further assistance and protection for your Aunt Gertrude, perhaps a guardianship is in order. Contact us in Central Pennsylvania and we will be happy to discuss your case with you. If you are elsewhere, locate an attorney who can assist you.

Mom...Appreciating Limitations

Who wants to help? Who is willing to help in your family? In our case, my brothers and I are all eager to help, if only Mom would let us. But I digress. We want to help, we want to pitch in. One brother is much closer geographically than the other two of us, so he and his wife seem to end up with the long oar more times than not, and that without complaint. Thanks, Tim, in case I haven’t said it yet today.

We look for ways to help, to keep Mom engaged, and with varying degrees of success, we help make her life a little better. We pay bills for her. We each take her out to dinner when we can. Even some of her grandchildren and their wives stop by and take her out to dinner. It’s really great, but it is so limited.
Sometimes, however, what our parents need is a little more space.

Billy Graham, in his latest book, “Nearing Home: Life, Faith and Finishing Strong” (a book he wrote several years ago when he was only 93) says that he enjoys visitors, especially family “for about an hour.” After that, he says, it simply takes too much energy. Today in our hurry-up world, we want to squeeze in a month or a year’s worth of visiting in the two or three days (or hours) that we’re willing to allot to our senior family members. The truth is, most of the seniors in our lives, my mom included, loves our company. But, like Reverend Graham says, for ‘about an hour.’ Mom’s energy is not what I remember it to be. So I always find I have to temper my actions to suit her needs, not mine.

So Mom, we love you. We will keep trying our best to make your life easier and nicer. And, yes, you have our permission to ‘kick us out’ after about an hour. I hope this makes you smile. . .