Taking the Best Option Available

Taking care of our mom has been my brothers’ and my priority for months now. The question has been how to do it. Mom gets around on her own, though not as quickly as she once did. She takes care of herself, but not with the ease that accompanied her in more youthful days. So how do we help when we know she isn’t crazy about the idea of seeking help or asking for help?

If you’ve followed our journey at all, you know that we have tried having an in-home caregiver visit Mom at her house. In fact, we’ve tried it twice with no success. After conferring with each other, the three of us boys decided “one more try” was what we needed, only this time, we would be there for the entire first visit (Hey, even baseball gives you three strikes before you’re out!).

Our third try was decidedly more successful. We worked with Comfort Keepers, a national organization which is available in most areas. Comfort Keepers sent out their caregiver as well as the ‘intake’ person who helped familiarize Mom with their services. It was a little awkward for Mom, having a ‘stranger’ in her house. But with my one brother and me there, we were able to keep things moving in the right direction. The intake person left after about an hour, leaving three hours for my mom and the caregiver, I’ll call her “Mabel” for this writing, to get acquainted.

By the end of her first shift in Mom’s house, Mabel and Mom were getting along quite well. Mom even struggled out of her chair to give Mabel a hug. It was sweet. Mom’s words to the three of us, after Mabel was gone, were reassuring:

“I don’t think I need someone here to help me, but you three do. I guess, if that’s the way it has to be, then it’s okay with me. I like Mabel.”

We’re now happily moving forward. Presently it is one day a week -- each Saturday. This will, hopefully, turn into two days a week, then three, then more.

Please let us know if you have any questions concerning caring for your loved one.  We can be reached at info@mateyalaw.com.  We look forward to hearing from you.

   

Do We Take Control By Easing Up On The Reins?

     When you’re trying to make the right decision for your aging parent, it is easy to

fall into the ‘management’ mode.

● Review your choices

● Look at the pros and cons of each choice

● Make the best decision you can based on the empirical evidence in front of

you.

     The problem is, that has all the warmth and caring of an accounting (my apology to my accountant friends). No, you have to go further.

     When my mother refused the care-giver in her home recently, both of my brothers decided a slower, ‘walk before you run’ approach might be best. My interviews and analysis were no match for their caring attitudes.

     “What does Mom feel like, having someone new in her home?”

     “When did Mom decide this was what she wanted?”

     So we’ve scaled our plans back to a helper there one day a week, just to aid with laundry, some food preparation, light housework, etc. The hope is that, as Mom’s comfort level grows, the days and times the care-giver is there can be increased.

     We’re all on the power of attorney document and any of us could try to power our way through the others. But no one would be helped by that. Especially not Mom. We’ll continue to work together. And Mom, who was the reason for our efforts, will live out her days with a little more comfort, a little less worry, and with three boys who are doing their best to take care of her.

     Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.

The Right Care For Mom Might Be At “.com”

    All three of us (brothers) are trying to put the best face on helping Mom. In- home care now seems inevitable. We’re interviewing candidates, trying out friends of the family, taking Mom’s ideas into account, and hoping for the best.

    As we look at bringing a stranger into her life to help care for her basic needs, we’re also living our own, individual lives. Busy at work. Sometimes at play. We’re trying to give Mom our best without missing a beat in our personal and professional lives. At times, we’re doing both badly. At least that is how it feels.
   
    The Bible says that it is God who gives the increase, it is He who makes our plans prosper. We’re doing our best, trying to choose someone to help, and looking for a ‘plan’ that will work. Trusting in God may sound like a cop out to some, but to me, today, it is the best place I can be. The only place I can be. . .

    I signed in to www.care.com. If you have not checked them out, you should do so if your journey is anything like ours. Care.com is a company that I have recommended to many of my clients, and now I am using myself. They allow individuals like myself to post care-giving opportunities. They also allow care-givers, after proper vetting, to post their resumes.

    www.care.com has been our starting point, along with family friends. Check them out, and thank you for all the kind words since my last post.

A Defining Moment

           With all that I’ve shared over the past several dozen blogs, I have danced around, as we all do, one of the main questions that none of us who are caring for an aging loved-one ever wants to face: “What will I do if I think Mom is no longer able to live alone and care for herself?”  I pray you never reach that moment or, if you do, you reach it with your aging parent’s participation.

           With my mom, we are facing that ever-increasingly obvious question. We are trying valiantly to allow Mom to stay where she is comfortable, where she wants to be. At home. I figured that it has been forty-eight years since she and my late father moved all five of us into the new, all brick house. What a treasure it was. New walls, new floors and a two-car garage as the lowest portion of our split-level home. It was paradise.
       
    And Mom still sees it as paradise. She grew up in the depression where, as she has said, “If we ate chicken for dinner it was only because earlier that day we had cut its off its head  and plucked its feathers.” The good old days weren’t all good. Mom sees this house as the culmination of what she and my father worked so hard for. Where she wanted to live. And where she wants to die.
       
    So when she pointed to the closed door of one of the rooms of the house where she has lived for nearly half a century and said “What’s in there?” I knew it was time to start facing the hard question.  So my brothers and I are taking steps, again, to have someone come in to help Mom stay in the house. We are doing all we can within our means to allow her to stay. Only time will show if we are making the right decision.

If It Doesn’t Bother Mom. . .

           Sometimes, when we’re wrestling with the nuances of taking care of our 86-year-old mother, we stumble over our own feet.
       
    One of us will say “We must replace that old chair. It’s so worn and beaten down, it looks awful and it”s so hard to get in and out of.” Or another of us will will say “I know Mom isn’t getting enough vegetables. She eats the same thing all the time.”
          

Both of these statements may be true, but you have to balance doing what is ‘right’ with allowing Mom to have things the way she likes them. One thing I have learned, working with seniors for many years in the estate planning business, is that most seniors like routine. Routines help stabilize life. If the senior in your life has lost a loved one, as in the case of my mom, then the routine may be providing comfort that was once provided by a loving hand.

Of course, if there are things in your senior’s life which are harmful to them, you may need to take action even if they don’t exactly appreciate it. But if your mom’s  routine includes watching the five- o’clock news from a chair that makes Archie Bunker’s chair look fresh and new,  you may be better served to leave well enough alone and look for other ways you can assist her. Like maybe baking her a pie. . .even if she does need more vegetables.

Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.

Approaching an Uncomfortable Topic

The first time we tried to have all of Mom’s estate planning documents reviewed, she balked. She did not want to address ‘that stuff.’ We weren’t in any hurry for Mom to need a will or a power of attorney document, but we also didn’t want to be in an emergency situation later, trying to hurriedly get done what should have already been in place.

The second time (probably six years between the first and second attempts) we were more insistent, and Mom was slightly more amenable to the task. Never mind that we had to sit on either side of her at the local Eat-n-Park and not give her any way out before she would sign the documents.  I may be exaggerating, but only a little.   

Today, five years after that eventful morning, she is glad to have all her documents in order.

None of us is happy to discuss these estate planning/end-of-life matters. Who wants to talk about what happens to all of my chotchkies after I die? We don’t want to talk about dying. Most of us are uncomfortable talking about dying. And therein lies the problem in helping Mom through her power of attorney document. I don’t have many answers in how to address these issues. I simply know you need to start that conversation, and the sooner the better in most cases.

We knew our Mom would be reasonable. Eventually. And she has been. You? In your situation? You know your Mom, your Dad. You need to prayerfully approach this subject with them, probably more than once, in order to get the ball rolling.

Send us your ‘how I had the talk with my parents’ story. I would love to hear them, and maybe even run one or two of them. Till next time. . .

Does Mobility Matter?

         My brothers and I are doing our best to care for Mom. If you’ve followed my story at all, you know that we, like most families, are struggling with things like when is the right time to address living arrangements (having the talk with your parents), financial matters, appointing an attorney in fact through a power of attorney and so forth.  We never thought about mobility. . .
                   When you think of “Mom” your mind goes to a picture of your mother. For most of us, our mental picture of our mother is one where she is smiling, vibrant and full of life. But what is the reality today?
                   My mother cannot move as easily and fluidly as she once did. She enjoyed digging in the garden, doing yard work in general, and walking. She loved to walk. Where we lived, there was a shopping center about a mile away. She worked at the drug store there the whole time I was growing up. Mom would walk to work, she would walk to the grocery store. She would sometimes walk to her sister’s house, about four miles away.  Today she has a hard time walking across the living room. She stubbornly refuses to use her walker. She says “That’s for old people,” and laughs. She is 87.  
                   When we think about what Mom can and cannot do for herself (a question, by the way, she never even considers. . .in her mind she can still do anything she wants to do!), we are forced to first consider her mobility and her tolerance for sitting or standing in one place for long periods of time. She isn’t the “Mom” in my mental picture anymore.

         We are trying to remember that she is still the same loving, caring Mom. And she isn’t the same, in all respects. And we’re trying to help Mom. Honestly, we’re not being mean with those walkers and handles near the bathtub. Just leave them there so you can use them ‘when you get to be old.’