Taking Control without Taking Control

    Your parents took care of you --  wiped your nose, helped you with your homework, looked for a good college or apartment with you, and maybe even walked you down the aisle. So now that they are older, perhaps more feeble and well past their income earning years, they need your help. No, they don’t need help with their homework, but they might need help in finding a good apartment -- that is, long term care facility. And the needs of one set of parents are different from the needs of the next set of parents, just like when you were a child and your needs and those of your siblings or your neighbors were different.

    If you’ve followed my story, you know that my brothers and I are trying to care for our aging mother. And the issues we face are perhaps the same as those that you are facing, caring for your own parents. Or not. In any case, it continues to be my hope that my journey-on-display will be some help and comfort for anyone who is standing in my shoes.
   
    We have divided Mom’s bills, leaving some of them with her and taking others on ourselves so as to allow her some control without giving her so much that it is overwhelming to her. None of us are convinced that her doctor is the best for her. Neither is she. To be fair, he has not been bad for her. He has been a part of her routine for many years, but not like a family friend, sort of like the Department of Transportation -- its always there, but not exactly warm and fuzzy.  So we discussed a possible switch to another physician.

    “No thank you,” was Mom’s entire response.

    Is it because she likes this doctor? Does she trust him, or is it inertia? We want what is best for Mom, and it may well be that switching doctors would be the best thing for her. So we probed a little further.

    “No thank you,” was the predictable response.  

    So we continue, hoping to help Mom’s golden years be as comfortable as possible. We have taken some of the financial burden off  her. We have introduced her to a possible long-term care facility and have gotten her acquainted with a few people at the facility. We aren’t trying to control her. Not that much, anyway. Just enough for her own good. Just like she did for us.

    Please keep sharing your stories and feedback.

Caring for our Parents: Balancing the Need to Help With the Need for Independence

    We may have different ways of showing it, but  most of us want our parents to be happy and well cared for in their golden years. Some of us want to rush in and set things up for  Mom or Dad so that we know that they are well provided for.  Others believe  “if Mom needs my help, she’ll ask me.” So we’re all over the map.

    But what about Mom? Everything we’re thinking, everything  we’re trying to work out is from our point of view. What does it look like from her point of view?     In my own story, you know that my brothers and I are doing our best to care for our mom. She is content living in her own home, taking care of her self.  She is mobile, alert and loves being in the home she has known for most of her adult life.  (I was six when we moved into the house and I’m on the other side of 50 today.)  So  we thought that we had a great plan to help Mom stay in the house.

    “Let’s start paying some of Mom’s monthly bills.”

    “Yeah. I’ll pay the electric and you pay the water and  sewer and I’ll pay the  trash bill. We were so happy with ourselves. “What great sons we are. Taking this load off of  Mom’s back.”

    Then the idea was raised. . .”but what if Mom likes taking care of herself. In fact, Mom is really good at taking care of these few expenses. She manages her modest income, and  careflully logs everything in a ledger book .  She takes pride in taking care of  these bills. She’s done it since dad passed  almost 30 years ago.

    “Oh my God!! We’ve taken away the last vestige of dignity  that mom possesses” (Perhaps we were a little overboard, but you get the idea).

    So we had already divided up the monthly utility bills and were bracing for mom’s slow decline as a result of our now seemingly heartless act of taking away her responsibilities .  How would she react. Would she be upset? Depressed?

    We’ll continue more with this line of thought the next time. The answer isn’t as important as the question...What is best for Mom? If what you are doing to care for your parent is all about you, perhaps you better take the time to rethink your point of view.

    “Keep sharing your comments, . . .we  enjoy hearing your stories.

A Little Step: Lending a Helping Hand

    If you have followed my story at all, you know that my brothers and I are trying our very best to care for our aging mother. And, like most of you who have followed this blog, you were not prepared to be a caregiver for your parents either. We seem to be at a difficult spot. . .what to do when Mom isn’t quite ready to give up the house and home she loves but can’t quite take care of herself the way she once did.

    Mom does appreciate our efforts, to be sure. She is 87 years old, and will often say to us that “I don’t need a walker. Walkers are for old people, not for me.”  She says it with a half smile, knowing that a walker probably is for her. Her silver-white hair says that it is for her, too.

    We want Mom to be safe and to be comfortable. As long as possible, that will be in her own home. We know the time may come that we have to make difficult decisions, and we’ve paved the way with a local long-term care facility. Mom has met the people there. She knows the intake nurse and even knows several of the residents. And she likes them all, but not enough to leave the familiar surroundings of her home. Not just yet.

    So what else can we do to relieve some of the daily worries  Mom has?

    We have always helped Mom if something BIG came up. Now, we’re moving toward helping her with her everyday expenses.

    My brothers and I are now paying  Mom’s utility bills. My wonderful sister-in-law, Sue, did all of the leg work to arrange to have the utility bills remain in her name, but to have them sent to the three of us. We’re taking one more thing off  Mom’s plate -- most of her daily expenses are now our expenses.
    This is not rocket science, I know. Neither is it all that original. But, it is a great way to show Mom we love her and care about her. And it takes away one more little worry that she has.

    Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories or comments with us. I will continue to update my story and tell you how we are doing, caring for  Mom.

Taking Care of Our Parents: Our Next Baby Steps

          It can be downright embarrassing. You are helping your parents in their golden years. Sometimes the help is deciding where the investments should be kept. For most of us, it is more down-to-earth decisions, like where will Mom & Dad stay if one of them needs physical or mental assistance.

Most recently, I was sitting with my mother while a nurse came in to visit with her. After remarking on how well she keeps her house (it is immaculate. . .I think dust stopped trying  to collect at her house. It just moved on.), she began with the medical questions...you know, the ones that you were embarrassed by when your mother sat with you at the doctor’s office when you were too young to be in there alone. Now its my turn.

The days leading up to the visit were tense, as I have shared before. But the day of the visit, everything went just as planned. We met in the evening. Most long term care providers, including nursing homes, continuing care communities, and in-home care providers will work with your schedule. They understand that the senior for whom they may be offering care may be accompanied by someone with a nine-to-five job. My mother was as gracious as if the nurse was a long-time friend. She was a thorough professional with a very friendly demeanor. This is also something that I have seen is generally the rule, not the exception.

A two-hour visit passed without incident. Mom asked the questions she wanted to ask, and the nurse (who was dressed in plain clothes, not  the starched-white “I’m coming to get you” outfit that you see in the movies) answered them to her satisfaction.

“I’m not signing anything or committing to anything tonight,” was mom’s strongest objection. It was met with “of course not,” from our nurse.  

The evening concluded with more paperwork for mom and I to fill out. We needed to give her financial information before proceeding to any ‘next step.’ That was fine. Mom was in control of the process. And that is the point I hope to make with this blog entry.

Taking Care of Our Parents: My “Baby Steps

        Many of us are thrown into making long-term care or health care decisions by an emergency. Your Mom falls and breaks her hip, or you get a call that Dad is wandering, sometimes aimlessly, and the neighbors are afraid that he’ll wander off. These events are heartbreaking and, often, budget-busting. When your parents’ doctor tells you “we need to know where you want your mother to be transferred to for her long-term rehabilitation” and gives you four hours to decide, you have a problem. And this scenario plays out everyday.

         Instead of being thrown into the fire, you can do what we did. Or, at least, what we’re trying to do. Look ahead, to a time when your mother might need to have some assistance or, gasp, to be in a nursing home. So we told Mom that we were going to have someone come to the house to “visit” with us and talk about what we needed to know. 

         “What for? I’m not going to sign anything.”  Strike One. Mom was more than a little defensive. I had to talk to her and reassure her, more than once, that no one was trying to take her house, or send her to a nursing home.

         We anticipated this answer from her. “No mom, we don’t have to sign anything.”  We wanted her to know that we were trying to help, not trying to control. About a week before this time, my aunt was rushed to the hospital. It seems that she fell. She lives alone, uses a walker , and is in her eighties. Strikingly similar to Mom. It seems her niece, who frequently came by to visit her, found her one morning sitting on the floor of her kitchen.

         “What are you doing?”

         “Resting” responded a clearly incoherent Aunt Julie.

It turns out she landed there about twelve hours earlier, broke several ribs, contracted pneumonia from sitting on the cold floor, and on and on. It was really heart-breaking to hear.

So I said to my mom, “It’s too bad about Julie.” And I let it go right there. Silence can be deafening. She said “Oh, I know,” and she let it drop. Strike Two. I wondered whether or not I should keep pushing. I mean, I already had two strikes.

“Well Mom, we’re having someone here to visit. You don’t have to sign anything, and we’re not going to make you do anything. We just want to see what’s available for you. We care about you.”

“Well. . .Okay” she said.

We were glad to have things moving in the right direction. We don’t have all the answers, but by being just a little bit insistent, we’ve got things going.

Keep taking those steps with your parents. Nudge them when they need it. Keep them moving in the right direction, but be sure they know that you are walking right there with them.

Thank you to all who have shared your stories with us. Let us hear your comments.

                                                  Originally posted 5-11-11

Dealing With The Stress (or. . .Why Are We Such Babies?)

           When we have to care for our parents a change happens. A change which involves switching roles with our parents, and for many of us it is uncomfortable. Nothing in our education prepared us for this. We don’t know how to ease into this change.

With me, it’s caring for my mom. I always took direction from my mom. I looked up to her and asked her for advice. She had the place of authority in our relationship. So now that I am beginning to care for her, do our positions really change? Does this mean that I no longer look up to her? Now that I have the ability to care for her and can take on some of that responsibility, do I respect her less?  

           For many of us the answer to that question never comes. . .because we never have the nerve to ask the question. We cannot fathom Mom needing us in the way we once needed her. She made the bed, cleaned the house, walked us to the bus, and made sure we had enough money for lunch before we left for school. We try to act like it isn’t happening, or we wait for the other sibling to step in, because we don’t want to face it.  And what is the “it” that we don’t want to face?  Mom’s mortality? Perhaps. Our own mortality?

           Mom didn’t like it when I asked her if she had protection documents such as a living will or  power of attorney, in place. Neither did she like it when my brothers and I suggested that we have a person come in to help her with chores around the house. “I don’t want some stranger coming in my house” was the response. Then my brother Tom (God bless him) went ahead and arranged for Meals on Wheels to begin bringing in hot meals three days a week. “We can always cancel it Mom” was the way he got past her first line of defense.  And Mom didn’t like that.  At least not at first. Now, a few years later, Mom looks forward to the delivery of her meals. The delivery is a welcome part of her new routine.

           It was stressful forcing the Meals on Wheels into Mom’s routine. But it was for her own good. And today she accepts it. I dare say she even likes it. So on to the next step, caring for Mom…and the hope is, that this gets easier. It does, but only by small degrees. Mom is still living at home, and she still needs help, but we’re getting her the help she needs, one little step at a time.

           I welcome your responses or your stories. There are lots of us out here caring for our parents. . .

      

When Mom Needs Help, But Won’t Accept Help.

 So what do you when you don’t know how to move Mom forward ‘for her own good?’ I know that my family is not unique in our present situation. My brothers and I have taken all the steps that conscientious, well-informed, adult children are supposed to take. Mom reluctantly agreed to meet with the proper medical professionals, and the meeting went very well.

Now, when we could move forward, we’re once again treading water. Mom is happy where she is. She is healthy, if not active. She is in a clean environment, and its her own home. It is familiar and its safe, mostly...except for the steps that she has to climb.  So why would she want to move to assisted living? Or why would she want to have a stranger in to her home to assist her?

“I didn’t ask for help.”

“I’m fine. I’ll manage.”

Its us, her sons who want to give her the help. It is the three of us boys who don’t want her to have to ‘manage’ on her own. We’re understandably concerned about Mom’s health and safety. We would love to have piece of mind that Mom is safe and cared for. But is it our call to make?  Where do Mom’s wishes come in? When do we hear from her?

We now have to carefully balance the need to help our aging parents with the need to calm our own fears, or to salve our own consciences for any past issues we may have with them. As long as a senior is safe and is able to remain in his or her own home, they should be allowed to do so.

The competing interests are real, if not completely well-defined. We want our parents to be happy. We also want them to be safe. By insisting on a move out of the family home, we may be creating “safety” without a shred of the happiness they seek. Sometimes the medical needs dictate such a move, which makes the decision easier, if not more pleasant. But these two competing interests remain.

In our case, Tim, Tom and I continue to struggle to offer mom all the help we can, which includes keeping the doors open to outside help. And Mom continues. In the home she loves.

Originally posted posted 4-27-11