Making the Best Decisions For Mom

        Recently, we had a suggestion that Mom, who is 86, have a certain medical procedure. Most times we are all the type who say “whatever the doctor ordered” is what we are going to do. This time, however, we weren’t so sure. Mom is frail, and doesn’t have the reserve energy she once had.

       If you are a caregiver, you have either been at these crossroads before and are yawning, saying ‘tell me something I didn’t already know,’ or you have not yet crossed this bridge. If not, get ready…your turn is coming.

       Whether it’s helping decide on the best nutrition for Mom, or you and the doctor having to decide if Mom can handle another round of chemotherapy, you are making some tough decisions. And, let’s face it, we weren’t prepared to be our parents’ caregivers. We’re in a role reversal.

       My brothers and I talked to each other about what we knew, what we read, and what we feared could happen. We discussed the pros and cons with each other, including friends with expertise and companions who know and love Mom. We spoke with the physicians, their assistants, and in the end, decided the ‘cure’ might be much worse than the ‘sickness.’ This was the pole star by which we set our course.

       But we didn’t talk to Mom. No one asked her for her opinion. We didn’t include her, mostly out of fear of having to discuss an embarrassing issue. And also – remember – we’re doing what’s best for Mom. That somehow gave us a ‘get out of jail free’ card when it came to soliciting her advice.

Now that this storm has passed, how do we feel? Pretty good. Except the not-asking-Mom part. That feels a little awkward. But this care-giver role is filled with paradoxes and role reversals. So a little awkward is probably not so unusual at all.

When Caring Isn’t What Mom Needs

My mom is doing well living in her own home, using her cane rarely – her walker even less. She hasn’t had her hearing aids in for years, but she manages. My brothers and I are always talking, always scheming of ways to help mom. . .then when we run our “idea du jour” by her, she often tells us “No thank you,” whether it’s replacing her old chair or suggesting some new device which will help make her life easier.

We care about Mom. We want her golden years to be enjoyable. But our form of caring, with all our ideas of what she needs or the new gadget we think she should have next, isn’t necessarily what Mom wants. Mom wants to know her boys are doing well. She wants to hug her grandchildren and remember with them the times they stayed at her house and baked cookies together.

Don’t let your role as caregiver turn you in to an automaton who simply looks for the newest, the best, the safest, or the most-likely to prevent tooth-decay robot. Remember that this is your mom, or your dad. Remember that this is the person who helped bring you into this world and helped raise you to be the man or woman you are today.

My recent visit home to see Mom reminded me that she loves me. She wants the best for me. She doesn’t need me to explain to her how the documents I drafted for her will protect her in one thousand different ways. She wants to know how her grandchildren are doing. And she still wants to look out for me. When she learned that I have been canning food, she immediately led me to the cellar where she showed me rows of Quart Mason Jars – and asked me if I could use them. She wanted to help me. . .

Caregivers – don’t be so zealous to help your mother that you forget to allow her to continue to be your caregiver, your mom, too.

Taking Control without Taking Control

    Your parents took care of you --  wiped your nose, helped you with your homework, looked for a good college or apartment with you, and maybe even walked you down the aisle. So now that they are older, perhaps more feeble and well past their income earning years, they need your help. No, they don’t need help with their homework, but they might need help in finding a good apartment -- that is, long term care facility. And the needs of one set of parents are different from the needs of the next set of parents, just like when you were a child and your needs and those of your siblings or your neighbors were different.

    If you’ve followed my story, you know that my brothers and I are trying to care for our aging mother. And the issues we face are perhaps the same as those that you are facing, caring for your own parents. Or not. In any case, it continues to be my hope that my journey-on-display will be some help and comfort for anyone who is standing in my shoes.
   
    We have divided Mom’s bills, leaving some of them with her and taking others on ourselves so as to allow her some control without giving her so much that it is overwhelming to her. None of us are convinced that her doctor is the best for her. Neither is she. To be fair, he has not been bad for her. He has been a part of her routine for many years, but not like a family friend, sort of like the Department of Transportation -- its always there, but not exactly warm and fuzzy.  So we discussed a possible switch to another physician.

    “No thank you,” was Mom’s entire response.

    Is it because she likes this doctor? Does she trust him, or is it inertia? We want what is best for Mom, and it may well be that switching doctors would be the best thing for her. So we probed a little further.

    “No thank you,” was the predictable response.  

    So we continue, hoping to help Mom’s golden years be as comfortable as possible. We have taken some of the financial burden off  her. We have introduced her to a possible long-term care facility and have gotten her acquainted with a few people at the facility. We aren’t trying to control her. Not that much, anyway. Just enough for her own good. Just like she did for us.

    Please keep sharing your stories and feedback.

Caring for our Parents: Balancing the Need to Help With the Need for Independence

    We may have different ways of showing it, but  most of us want our parents to be happy and well cared for in their golden years. Some of us want to rush in and set things up for  Mom or Dad so that we know that they are well provided for.  Others believe  “if Mom needs my help, she’ll ask me.” So we’re all over the map.

    But what about Mom? Everything we’re thinking, everything  we’re trying to work out is from our point of view. What does it look like from her point of view?     In my own story, you know that my brothers and I are doing our best to care for our mom. She is content living in her own home, taking care of her self.  She is mobile, alert and loves being in the home she has known for most of her adult life.  (I was six when we moved into the house and I’m on the other side of 50 today.)  So  we thought that we had a great plan to help Mom stay in the house.

    “Let’s start paying some of Mom’s monthly bills.”

    “Yeah. I’ll pay the electric and you pay the water and  sewer and I’ll pay the  trash bill. We were so happy with ourselves. “What great sons we are. Taking this load off of  Mom’s back.”

    Then the idea was raised. . .”but what if Mom likes taking care of herself. In fact, Mom is really good at taking care of these few expenses. She manages her modest income, and  careflully logs everything in a ledger book .  She takes pride in taking care of  these bills. She’s done it since dad passed  almost 30 years ago.

    “Oh my God!! We’ve taken away the last vestige of dignity  that mom possesses” (Perhaps we were a little overboard, but you get the idea).

    So we had already divided up the monthly utility bills and were bracing for mom’s slow decline as a result of our now seemingly heartless act of taking away her responsibilities .  How would she react. Would she be upset? Depressed?

    We’ll continue more with this line of thought the next time. The answer isn’t as important as the question...What is best for Mom? If what you are doing to care for your parent is all about you, perhaps you better take the time to rethink your point of view.

    “Keep sharing your comments, . . .we  enjoy hearing your stories.

A Little Step: Lending a Helping Hand

    If you have followed my story at all, you know that my brothers and I are trying our very best to care for our aging mother. And, like most of you who have followed this blog, you were not prepared to be a caregiver for your parents either. We seem to be at a difficult spot. . .what to do when Mom isn’t quite ready to give up the house and home she loves but can’t quite take care of herself the way she once did.

    Mom does appreciate our efforts, to be sure. She is 87 years old, and will often say to us that “I don’t need a walker. Walkers are for old people, not for me.”  She says it with a half smile, knowing that a walker probably is for her. Her silver-white hair says that it is for her, too.

    We want Mom to be safe and to be comfortable. As long as possible, that will be in her own home. We know the time may come that we have to make difficult decisions, and we’ve paved the way with a local long-term care facility. Mom has met the people there. She knows the intake nurse and even knows several of the residents. And she likes them all, but not enough to leave the familiar surroundings of her home. Not just yet.

    So what else can we do to relieve some of the daily worries  Mom has?

    We have always helped Mom if something BIG came up. Now, we’re moving toward helping her with her everyday expenses.

    My brothers and I are now paying  Mom’s utility bills. My wonderful sister-in-law, Sue, did all of the leg work to arrange to have the utility bills remain in her name, but to have them sent to the three of us. We’re taking one more thing off  Mom’s plate -- most of her daily expenses are now our expenses.
    This is not rocket science, I know. Neither is it all that original. But, it is a great way to show Mom we love her and care about her. And it takes away one more little worry that she has.

    Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories or comments with us. I will continue to update my story and tell you how we are doing, caring for  Mom.

Taking Care of Our Parents: Our Next Baby Steps

          It can be downright embarrassing. You are helping your parents in their golden years. Sometimes the help is deciding where the investments should be kept. For most of us, it is more down-to-earth decisions, like where will Mom & Dad stay if one of them needs physical or mental assistance.

Most recently, I was sitting with my mother while a nurse came in to visit with her. After remarking on how well she keeps her house (it is immaculate. . .I think dust stopped trying  to collect at her house. It just moved on.), she began with the medical questions...you know, the ones that you were embarrassed by when your mother sat with you at the doctor’s office when you were too young to be in there alone. Now its my turn.

The days leading up to the visit were tense, as I have shared before. But the day of the visit, everything went just as planned. We met in the evening. Most long term care providers, including nursing homes, continuing care communities, and in-home care providers will work with your schedule. They understand that the senior for whom they may be offering care may be accompanied by someone with a nine-to-five job. My mother was as gracious as if the nurse was a long-time friend. She was a thorough professional with a very friendly demeanor. This is also something that I have seen is generally the rule, not the exception.

A two-hour visit passed without incident. Mom asked the questions she wanted to ask, and the nurse (who was dressed in plain clothes, not  the starched-white “I’m coming to get you” outfit that you see in the movies) answered them to her satisfaction.

“I’m not signing anything or committing to anything tonight,” was mom’s strongest objection. It was met with “of course not,” from our nurse.  

The evening concluded with more paperwork for mom and I to fill out. We needed to give her financial information before proceeding to any ‘next step.’ That was fine. Mom was in control of the process. And that is the point I hope to make with this blog entry.

Taking Care of Our Parents: My “Baby Steps

        Many of us are thrown into making long-term care or health care decisions by an emergency. Your Mom falls and breaks her hip, or you get a call that Dad is wandering, sometimes aimlessly, and the neighbors are afraid that he’ll wander off. These events are heartbreaking and, often, budget-busting. When your parents’ doctor tells you “we need to know where you want your mother to be transferred to for her long-term rehabilitation” and gives you four hours to decide, you have a problem. And this scenario plays out everyday.

         Instead of being thrown into the fire, you can do what we did. Or, at least, what we’re trying to do. Look ahead, to a time when your mother might need to have some assistance or, gasp, to be in a nursing home. So we told Mom that we were going to have someone come to the house to “visit” with us and talk about what we needed to know. 

         “What for? I’m not going to sign anything.”  Strike One. Mom was more than a little defensive. I had to talk to her and reassure her, more than once, that no one was trying to take her house, or send her to a nursing home.

         We anticipated this answer from her. “No mom, we don’t have to sign anything.”  We wanted her to know that we were trying to help, not trying to control. About a week before this time, my aunt was rushed to the hospital. It seems that she fell. She lives alone, uses a walker , and is in her eighties. Strikingly similar to Mom. It seems her niece, who frequently came by to visit her, found her one morning sitting on the floor of her kitchen.

         “What are you doing?”

         “Resting” responded a clearly incoherent Aunt Julie.

It turns out she landed there about twelve hours earlier, broke several ribs, contracted pneumonia from sitting on the cold floor, and on and on. It was really heart-breaking to hear.

So I said to my mom, “It’s too bad about Julie.” And I let it go right there. Silence can be deafening. She said “Oh, I know,” and she let it drop. Strike Two. I wondered whether or not I should keep pushing. I mean, I already had two strikes.

“Well Mom, we’re having someone here to visit. You don’t have to sign anything, and we’re not going to make you do anything. We just want to see what’s available for you. We care about you.”

“Well. . .Okay” she said.

We were glad to have things moving in the right direction. We don’t have all the answers, but by being just a little bit insistent, we’ve got things going.

Keep taking those steps with your parents. Nudge them when they need it. Keep them moving in the right direction, but be sure they know that you are walking right there with them.

Thank you to all who have shared your stories with us. Let us hear your comments.

                                                  Originally posted 5-11-11