Making the Best Decisions For Mom

        Recently, we had a suggestion that Mom, who is 86, have a certain medical procedure. Most times we are all the type who say “whatever the doctor ordered” is what we are going to do. This time, however, we weren’t so sure. Mom is frail, and doesn’t have the reserve energy she once had.

       If you are a caregiver, you have either been at these crossroads before and are yawning, saying ‘tell me something I didn’t already know,’ or you have not yet crossed this bridge. If not, get ready…your turn is coming.

       Whether it’s helping decide on the best nutrition for Mom, or you and the doctor having to decide if Mom can handle another round of chemotherapy, you are making some tough decisions. And, let’s face it, we weren’t prepared to be our parents’ caregivers. We’re in a role reversal.

       My brothers and I talked to each other about what we knew, what we read, and what we feared could happen. We discussed the pros and cons with each other, including friends with expertise and companions who know and love Mom. We spoke with the physicians, their assistants, and in the end, decided the ‘cure’ might be much worse than the ‘sickness.’ This was the pole star by which we set our course.

       But we didn’t talk to Mom. No one asked her for her opinion. We didn’t include her, mostly out of fear of having to discuss an embarrassing issue. And also – remember – we’re doing what’s best for Mom. That somehow gave us a ‘get out of jail free’ card when it came to soliciting her advice.

Now that this storm has passed, how do we feel? Pretty good. Except the not-asking-Mom part. That feels a little awkward. But this care-giver role is filled with paradoxes and role reversals. So a little awkward is probably not so unusual at all.

When Caring Isn’t What Mom Needs

My mom is doing well living in her own home, using her cane rarely – her walker even less. She hasn’t had her hearing aids in for years, but she manages. My brothers and I are always talking, always scheming of ways to help mom. . .then when we run our “idea du jour” by her, she often tells us “No thank you,” whether it’s replacing her old chair or suggesting some new device which will help make her life easier.

We care about Mom. We want her golden years to be enjoyable. But our form of caring, with all our ideas of what she needs or the new gadget we think she should have next, isn’t necessarily what Mom wants. Mom wants to know her boys are doing well. She wants to hug her grandchildren and remember with them the times they stayed at her house and baked cookies together.

Don’t let your role as caregiver turn you in to an automaton who simply looks for the newest, the best, the safest, or the most-likely to prevent tooth-decay robot. Remember that this is your mom, or your dad. Remember that this is the person who helped bring you into this world and helped raise you to be the man or woman you are today.

My recent visit home to see Mom reminded me that she loves me. She wants the best for me. She doesn’t need me to explain to her how the documents I drafted for her will protect her in one thousand different ways. She wants to know how her grandchildren are doing. And she still wants to look out for me. When she learned that I have been canning food, she immediately led me to the cellar where she showed me rows of Quart Mason Jars – and asked me if I could use them. She wanted to help me. . .

Caregivers – don’t be so zealous to help your mother that you forget to allow her to continue to be your caregiver, your mom, too.

Taking Control without Taking Control

    Your parents took care of you --  wiped your nose, helped you with your homework, looked for a good college or apartment with you, and maybe even walked you down the aisle. So now that they are older, perhaps more feeble and well past their income earning years, they need your help. No, they don’t need help with their homework, but they might need help in finding a good apartment -- that is, long term care facility. And the needs of one set of parents are different from the needs of the next set of parents, just like when you were a child and your needs and those of your siblings or your neighbors were different.

    If you’ve followed my story, you know that my brothers and I are trying to care for our aging mother. And the issues we face are perhaps the same as those that you are facing, caring for your own parents. Or not. In any case, it continues to be my hope that my journey-on-display will be some help and comfort for anyone who is standing in my shoes.
   
    We have divided Mom’s bills, leaving some of them with her and taking others on ourselves so as to allow her some control without giving her so much that it is overwhelming to her. None of us are convinced that her doctor is the best for her. Neither is she. To be fair, he has not been bad for her. He has been a part of her routine for many years, but not like a family friend, sort of like the Department of Transportation -- its always there, but not exactly warm and fuzzy.  So we discussed a possible switch to another physician.

    “No thank you,” was Mom’s entire response.

    Is it because she likes this doctor? Does she trust him, or is it inertia? We want what is best for Mom, and it may well be that switching doctors would be the best thing for her. So we probed a little further.

    “No thank you,” was the predictable response.  

    So we continue, hoping to help Mom’s golden years be as comfortable as possible. We have taken some of the financial burden off  her. We have introduced her to a possible long-term care facility and have gotten her acquainted with a few people at the facility. We aren’t trying to control her. Not that much, anyway. Just enough for her own good. Just like she did for us.

    Please keep sharing your stories and feedback.

Caring for our Parents: Balancing the Need to Help With the Need for Independence

    We may have different ways of showing it, but  most of us want our parents to be happy and well cared for in their golden years. Some of us want to rush in and set things up for  Mom or Dad so that we know that they are well provided for.  Others believe  “if Mom needs my help, she’ll ask me.” So we’re all over the map.

    But what about Mom? Everything we’re thinking, everything  we’re trying to work out is from our point of view. What does it look like from her point of view?     In my own story, you know that my brothers and I are doing our best to care for our mom. She is content living in her own home, taking care of her self.  She is mobile, alert and loves being in the home she has known for most of her adult life.  (I was six when we moved into the house and I’m on the other side of 50 today.)  So  we thought that we had a great plan to help Mom stay in the house.

    “Let’s start paying some of Mom’s monthly bills.”

    “Yeah. I’ll pay the electric and you pay the water and  sewer and I’ll pay the  trash bill. We were so happy with ourselves. “What great sons we are. Taking this load off of  Mom’s back.”

    Then the idea was raised. . .”but what if Mom likes taking care of herself. In fact, Mom is really good at taking care of these few expenses. She manages her modest income, and  careflully logs everything in a ledger book .  She takes pride in taking care of  these bills. She’s done it since dad passed  almost 30 years ago.

    “Oh my God!! We’ve taken away the last vestige of dignity  that mom possesses” (Perhaps we were a little overboard, but you get the idea).

    So we had already divided up the monthly utility bills and were bracing for mom’s slow decline as a result of our now seemingly heartless act of taking away her responsibilities .  How would she react. Would she be upset? Depressed?

    We’ll continue more with this line of thought the next time. The answer isn’t as important as the question...What is best for Mom? If what you are doing to care for your parent is all about you, perhaps you better take the time to rethink your point of view.

    “Keep sharing your comments, . . .we  enjoy hearing your stories.

A Little Step: Lending a Helping Hand

    If you have followed my story at all, you know that my brothers and I are trying our very best to care for our aging mother. And, like most of you who have followed this blog, you were not prepared to be a caregiver for your parents either. We seem to be at a difficult spot. . .what to do when Mom isn’t quite ready to give up the house and home she loves but can’t quite take care of herself the way she once did.

    Mom does appreciate our efforts, to be sure. She is 87 years old, and will often say to us that “I don’t need a walker. Walkers are for old people, not for me.”  She says it with a half smile, knowing that a walker probably is for her. Her silver-white hair says that it is for her, too.

    We want Mom to be safe and to be comfortable. As long as possible, that will be in her own home. We know the time may come that we have to make difficult decisions, and we’ve paved the way with a local long-term care facility. Mom has met the people there. She knows the intake nurse and even knows several of the residents. And she likes them all, but not enough to leave the familiar surroundings of her home. Not just yet.

    So what else can we do to relieve some of the daily worries  Mom has?

    We have always helped Mom if something BIG came up. Now, we’re moving toward helping her with her everyday expenses.

    My brothers and I are now paying  Mom’s utility bills. My wonderful sister-in-law, Sue, did all of the leg work to arrange to have the utility bills remain in her name, but to have them sent to the three of us. We’re taking one more thing off  Mom’s plate -- most of her daily expenses are now our expenses.
    This is not rocket science, I know. Neither is it all that original. But, it is a great way to show Mom we love her and care about her. And it takes away one more little worry that she has.

    Thank you to all of you who have shared your stories or comments with us. I will continue to update my story and tell you how we are doing, caring for  Mom.

Taking Care of Our Parents: Our Next Baby Steps

          It can be downright embarrassing. You are helping your parents in their golden years. Sometimes the help is deciding where the investments should be kept. For most of us, it is more down-to-earth decisions, like where will Mom & Dad stay if one of them needs physical or mental assistance.

Most recently, I was sitting with my mother while a nurse came in to visit with her. After remarking on how well she keeps her house (it is immaculate. . .I think dust stopped trying  to collect at her house. It just moved on.), she began with the medical questions...you know, the ones that you were embarrassed by when your mother sat with you at the doctor’s office when you were too young to be in there alone. Now its my turn.

The days leading up to the visit were tense, as I have shared before. But the day of the visit, everything went just as planned. We met in the evening. Most long term care providers, including nursing homes, continuing care communities, and in-home care providers will work with your schedule. They understand that the senior for whom they may be offering care may be accompanied by someone with a nine-to-five job. My mother was as gracious as if the nurse was a long-time friend. She was a thorough professional with a very friendly demeanor. This is also something that I have seen is generally the rule, not the exception.

A two-hour visit passed without incident. Mom asked the questions she wanted to ask, and the nurse (who was dressed in plain clothes, not  the starched-white “I’m coming to get you” outfit that you see in the movies) answered them to her satisfaction.

“I’m not signing anything or committing to anything tonight,” was mom’s strongest objection. It was met with “of course not,” from our nurse.  

The evening concluded with more paperwork for mom and I to fill out. We needed to give her financial information before proceeding to any ‘next step.’ That was fine. Mom was in control of the process. And that is the point I hope to make with this blog entry.

Taking Care of Our Parents: My “Baby Steps

        Many of us are thrown into making long-term care or health care decisions by an emergency. Your Mom falls and breaks her hip, or you get a call that Dad is wandering, sometimes aimlessly, and the neighbors are afraid that he’ll wander off. These events are heartbreaking and, often, budget-busting. When your parents’ doctor tells you “we need to know where you want your mother to be transferred to for her long-term rehabilitation” and gives you four hours to decide, you have a problem. And this scenario plays out everyday.

         Instead of being thrown into the fire, you can do what we did. Or, at least, what we’re trying to do. Look ahead, to a time when your mother might need to have some assistance or, gasp, to be in a nursing home. So we told Mom that we were going to have someone come to the house to “visit” with us and talk about what we needed to know. 

         “What for? I’m not going to sign anything.”  Strike One. Mom was more than a little defensive. I had to talk to her and reassure her, more than once, that no one was trying to take her house, or send her to a nursing home.

         We anticipated this answer from her. “No mom, we don’t have to sign anything.”  We wanted her to know that we were trying to help, not trying to control. About a week before this time, my aunt was rushed to the hospital. It seems that she fell. She lives alone, uses a walker , and is in her eighties. Strikingly similar to Mom. It seems her niece, who frequently came by to visit her, found her one morning sitting on the floor of her kitchen.

         “What are you doing?”

         “Resting” responded a clearly incoherent Aunt Julie.

It turns out she landed there about twelve hours earlier, broke several ribs, contracted pneumonia from sitting on the cold floor, and on and on. It was really heart-breaking to hear.

So I said to my mom, “It’s too bad about Julie.” And I let it go right there. Silence can be deafening. She said “Oh, I know,” and she let it drop. Strike Two. I wondered whether or not I should keep pushing. I mean, I already had two strikes.

“Well Mom, we’re having someone here to visit. You don’t have to sign anything, and we’re not going to make you do anything. We just want to see what’s available for you. We care about you.”

“Well. . .Okay” she said.

We were glad to have things moving in the right direction. We don’t have all the answers, but by being just a little bit insistent, we’ve got things going.

Keep taking those steps with your parents. Nudge them when they need it. Keep them moving in the right direction, but be sure they know that you are walking right there with them.

Thank you to all who have shared your stories with us. Let us hear your comments.

                                                  Originally posted 5-11-11

Dealing With The Stress (or. . .Why Are We Such Babies?)

           When we have to care for our parents a change happens. A change which involves switching roles with our parents, and for many of us it is uncomfortable. Nothing in our education prepared us for this. We don’t know how to ease into this change.

With me, it’s caring for my mom. I always took direction from my mom. I looked up to her and asked her for advice. She had the place of authority in our relationship. So now that I am beginning to care for her, do our positions really change? Does this mean that I no longer look up to her? Now that I have the ability to care for her and can take on some of that responsibility, do I respect her less?  

           For many of us the answer to that question never comes. . .because we never have the nerve to ask the question. We cannot fathom Mom needing us in the way we once needed her. She made the bed, cleaned the house, walked us to the bus, and made sure we had enough money for lunch before we left for school. We try to act like it isn’t happening, or we wait for the other sibling to step in, because we don’t want to face it.  And what is the “it” that we don’t want to face?  Mom’s mortality? Perhaps. Our own mortality?

           Mom didn’t like it when I asked her if she had protection documents such as a living will or  power of attorney, in place. Neither did she like it when my brothers and I suggested that we have a person come in to help her with chores around the house. “I don’t want some stranger coming in my house” was the response. Then my brother Tom (God bless him) went ahead and arranged for Meals on Wheels to begin bringing in hot meals three days a week. “We can always cancel it Mom” was the way he got past her first line of defense.  And Mom didn’t like that.  At least not at first. Now, a few years later, Mom looks forward to the delivery of her meals. The delivery is a welcome part of her new routine.

           It was stressful forcing the Meals on Wheels into Mom’s routine. But it was for her own good. And today she accepts it. I dare say she even likes it. So on to the next step, caring for Mom…and the hope is, that this gets easier. It does, but only by small degrees. Mom is still living at home, and she still needs help, but we’re getting her the help she needs, one little step at a time.

           I welcome your responses or your stories. There are lots of us out here caring for our parents. . .

      

When Mom Needs Help, But Won’t Accept Help.

 So what do you when you don’t know how to move Mom forward ‘for her own good?’ I know that my family is not unique in our present situation. My brothers and I have taken all the steps that conscientious, well-informed, adult children are supposed to take. Mom reluctantly agreed to meet with the proper medical professionals, and the meeting went very well.

Now, when we could move forward, we’re once again treading water. Mom is happy where she is. She is healthy, if not active. She is in a clean environment, and its her own home. It is familiar and its safe, mostly...except for the steps that she has to climb.  So why would she want to move to assisted living? Or why would she want to have a stranger in to her home to assist her?

“I didn’t ask for help.”

“I’m fine. I’ll manage.”

Its us, her sons who want to give her the help. It is the three of us boys who don’t want her to have to ‘manage’ on her own. We’re understandably concerned about Mom’s health and safety. We would love to have piece of mind that Mom is safe and cared for. But is it our call to make?  Where do Mom’s wishes come in? When do we hear from her?

We now have to carefully balance the need to help our aging parents with the need to calm our own fears, or to salve our own consciences for any past issues we may have with them. As long as a senior is safe and is able to remain in his or her own home, they should be allowed to do so.

The competing interests are real, if not completely well-defined. We want our parents to be happy. We also want them to be safe. By insisting on a move out of the family home, we may be creating “safety” without a shred of the happiness they seek. Sometimes the medical needs dictate such a move, which makes the decision easier, if not more pleasant. But these two competing interests remain.

In our case, Tim, Tom and I continue to struggle to offer mom all the help we can, which includes keeping the doors open to outside help. And Mom continues. In the home she loves.

Originally posted posted 4-27-11

So What's Next?

           You may recall that I explained that my brothers and I are dealing with our widowed mother who has become more frail in recent years, and has just celebrated her 85th birthday. We talked again about how we could do this or that, but created no specific steps. With mom in a seemingly more precarious position than ever before, what are we to do?

We all wanted to be sure that we were treating Mom fairly, but that she was safe. So do you make ‘safe’ decisions, even if it drives the person you are caring for crazy?

Like walking. You and I take walking for granted. Mom needs help to walk, heavily leaning on my arm each time we go for dinner or simply to the store. Do I mind? Not at all. Its sweet for me to have Mom on my arm when we walk into a favorite restaurant of hers. I think she likes it, too. But don’t tell her that she needs assistance to walk, and heaven forbid you would bring a walker to her with the suggestion that it will help her get around the house.

“Walkers are for old people” she once said to me. Even I was speechless, as the obvious reply  would not have been the kindest of answers. If mom embraces the use of a walker, she is embracing her old age and, by extension, her mortality. She doesn’t want to do it. My brothers’ instincts are just like mine…she has to use it to be safe. “Tell her that” is our response to each other, with bewildered looks to each other.

So, in order to take care of her we strongly suggest she use a walker, but we won’t make her use one. Do we risk jeopardizing her safety? Yes, but we dare not insist lest. . .lest. . .what? And therein is the problem. None of us wants to offend our parents. But neither do we want to put them in harm’s way. So we struggle to find the right balance (and we happily let mom hang on to our arms every chance we get.

Tim, Tom and I are struggling with other, similar safety issues. Using the stairs of her split level house. Do we simply install the chair glides? Will she use it? And cooking? Will she remember that she left the stove on? Her bedroom is on the top floor, the kitchen the middle, and laundry on the lower floor of the split level house. Do we suggest that we combine these on one floor?  I can just imagine her response…”And wreck this house? Forget it.”  

So we struggle with safety and familiarity and hope to find a way to gently bring her to the next steps in life, whatever they may be. In our case, the next steps are not any easier than when we had mom sign her living will and power of attorney documents, but that somewhat humorous story is for another blog entry. . .

origingally posted  3-16-11

What Will Mom Think?

           What will Mom think when we broach this subject? That’s the question my brothers and I had when we discussed having ‘the talk’ with her. The talk is, of course about having someone assist her at home. About having her spend time at the senior center. (What? Mom? A senior? Oh wait. . .she is eighty-five years old). The talk that implicitly acknowledges that she is mortal. That we cannot pretend any longer. We can’t pretend that mom will always be there to make us peanut butter sandwiches when we come in from the cold, from playing football. Those years are long gone. But if you don’t address it directly, you hold on to a thread of that life, of that time. But that time is gone.

           So what were we afraid of? What would Mom think of us? What would Mom think of her own life? What would Mom think we were trying to do?

           In our extended family, we have seen the best and worst of dealing with seniors in their golden years. We have seen people with Florence Nightingale-esque, selfless giving and sharing, doing everything possible to make the final years of their loved ones as comfortable and happy as possible. We have also seen those that resembled vultures.

           Would Mom think we were vultures, trying to ‘get at’ the inheritance early? Would she see us as Florence Nightingales? With three boys, that one is unlikely. . .but what would she think?

           Facing this question, we were naive. We thought, since we knew our motives were pure and driven only by the need for Mom to be safe and healthy, she would surely see it that way. I’m not sure we were correct.  “Why are you doing this to me?” was the delayed reaction. She is holding on to the “I-can-take-care-of-everything-myself” stance. Bravo for her and her independence. But she can’t walk on her own. She needs help. But is that my decision to make?

           When we were young boys, if we were at the neighborhood store and Mom saw someone who was struggling with bags, she would say “go help that poor woman.” When a neighbor lost a loved-one, she would have us help the family any way we could. Mow the lawn. Walk the dog. Whatever. Now that she was the ‘older woman struggling with her bags,’ surely she would understand that her well-raised boys were there to help her. Right?

           Not exactly.

           We needed to allow her the full authority to make the final decisions to move forward. Even though it scared us, we would not force the issue (at least not yet). We were sure she would see the wisdom of putting things in place for her to be able to move or to receive services, should the need arise.  At the present, we’re S L O W L Y walking through the process of having her enrolled in a program that will help her, monthly, with basics. She is a strong-willed woman who is proud of her home. She needs to see all the options.

           We’ll keep things moving. Hopefully.

When Mom and Dad are Now in Your Care. . .My Own Story

I’ve helped hundreds of families make those tough decisions. My law office has a good reputation as caring professionals. We have a heart, and we are there to help.

We have worked with the family members, their financial planners, their priests and pastors. We’ve worked with accountants and even other attorneys. These decisions are tough. How do we best help Mom and Dad, and how do we gently tell them when it might not be safe to stay in their own home?

I have been very pleased with myself. I have a good handle on this ‘senior care’ thing.  Then it was my turn. With my own mother.

My brothers called an ‘emergency meeting’ on how to care for Mom. It seems Mom had fallen and, while there was no immediate crisis, it brought home the need to deal with this issue proactively. As the attorney who deals with these issues every day, I helped lay out a plan of action. I would do A, my brother Tim would do B, and Tom would do C. That was at Mom’s 80th birthday party.

I did A. And that’s where it stopped. I didn’t raise the issue again. My brothers had good reasons to not do B and C. And I had good reason to let things sit. These were uncomfortable discussions. “We’ll get to it later,” I thought.

Mom turned 85 a few months ago. And we’re only now getting to it.
There are so many considerations.  Should a person live alone at 85? Why not?  I am accustomed to the legal considerations, but the personal considerations. . .they are the difficult ones to deal with.

Should we let Mom stay at home? In a split level house that is fraught with potential falls on steps?  Never mind that she is healthy, albeit more frail than she was at 75 or 80. And what business do I have in telling Mom what to do and when to do it? Dave Ramsey jokingly calls it the “powdered butt” syndrome. “When someone has powdered your butt, it’s hard to take advice from them about anything.” Mom was there when I broke my arm as a six year old. Who am I to tell her it’s time to make some changes?

In this blog, I hope to explore my own adventure, not as much as an estate planning attorney, but more as a professional who is dealing with these considerations on a personal level.  Please add your comments or questions. I hope that by sharing my story, someone else, and maybe even someone else’s mother, will be helped.

Putting All the Pieces Together. . .

           I like puzzles. One of the ways I end a stressful day is to work on a puzzle. . .usually harbors with brightly colored boats or beautiful landscapes. Each puzzle piece works together with its neighbor to form the whole. Each piece alone can seem like little more than a colored geometric shape. More accurately, a shape that resembles an amoeba from a ninth grade slide. But when you view them together, they form a lovely scene.

           Each piece of the puzzle of how to take care of mom is the same way. When I said, “Mom , we need to have your living will in place,” she looked at it like the single piece of the puzzle that it is. “I have plenty of time for that” she said.  This one document, by itself, seemed very threatening to her. It was very threatening to her. Here was her youngest son giving her advice about what she had to do. Were we, her children, suddenly trying to get her ready to die? Did we know something she didn’t know?  She felt rushed. Scared. And she isn’t alone.

           When your dentist explains to you what it’s going to feel like, and where it might pinch or hurt, and how long it will last, you understand. You don’t necessarily like it, but you are prepared for it. After all, you made an appointment right? You drove to the dentist office, you walked in, and when you saw the man or woman in the white coat approach you in the fancy dentist chair, you were ready. The entire process prepared you for it. The appointment made intentionally, the trip, all the ‘dental trappings’ of the visit.

           That’s not the way it is for many of us when we’re talking to our parents about estate planning and end-of-life planning. In fact, we often show them one piece of a puzzle (and not the big picture) like a living will (like I did!).  How would you feel if, without warning one afternoon when you were at home watching your television, your dentist popped into your living room unannounced and said “Now this is going to sting a little” and then shot your gums with Novocain while he explained to you that drilling this tooth right now really is, after all, for your own good? You would not be ready for it. . .

           So my first go-round with my own mother, which was more like the dentist example than I care to admit, did not go so well. She took my expertly-crafted documents and promised to look at them. Later. I had failed to impress her with my “you can trust me, I’m a lawyer” routine.   And guess what. . .later never came.

           After several years, when my brothers and I got up the courage to again broach the subject with each other, let alone with mom, we took a different approach. Since I’m a lawyer surrounded by two engineers, I took the lead. Mom and I talked about it. Yes, I raised the issue, and yes, that was a little uncomfortable, but I started very slowly. We talked about other family members who had XYZ problems but were able to work through them with the help of family. We talked about why I thought a living will was important. I told her some of the stories I had witnessed, first-hand, as an estate attorney. Most of my clients are over sixty-five years old, so I deal with these issues on a regular basis.

           Across the span of several visits home, we continued the conversation. I had set the stage. When I felt that she was comfortable, I asked her if we could all get together to execute the living will. She said “Oh, I guess so.” It was still as uncomfortable as when the dentist says, “Okay, now open wide.” You never respond gleefully or with a “With Pleasure!”Mom’s “I guess so” was her affirmation of moving in the direction she knew she needed to go.

           The events of the actual execution of the documents were somewhat comical, and perhaps for another blog posting. But, these were the initial steps we took with mom.

TAKE AWAYS? (As my pastor asks at the end of each sermon):

• Plan ahead.
• Don’t show one piece of the puzzle without explaining that it is only one piece of the puzzle.
• Move ahead slowly, but by all means move ahead.

Mother’s Day Might Take On A Whole New Meaning. . .

    We just celebrated mother’s day in our country. Taking care of Mom this year, while she is still at home, is made a little easier by the loving support she enjoys. Mom is in her eighties, and her three sons, of whom I am the baby, give her as much support as possible. Two of us are farther afield, so we each take a little of the financial burden on us to try to compensate for the distance we feel from her.

    The oldest son is the closest son, so he tries to be there more for her, but that’s not always feasible. Work schedules, personal commitments, and life’s daily requirements don’t always leave time for things, even when they are important things.

    But Tim, Tom and I are supplemented by Donna, Mom’s wonderful neighbor, who selflessly assists Mom with grocery shopping, helping with dog-care duties and the like. Until we got the call, three days before Mother’s Day, that Donna had broken her leg. This was the first event that shook Mom a little.

    This is the same Mom who said she didn’t need any help, that she was able to ‘manage’ on her own. Though we are concerned about her, we are balancing our concern with her need for independence, and to date, she has fared well. Her support system of her three boys plus Donna had worked for several years now.

    With Donna at least temporarily missing, Mom panicked and contacted us. We assured her that we could help ‘fill in the gap’ until Donna was on her feet again. We also could see that Mom’s veneer of independence was fairly thin.  

    So do we push ahead like a bull in the china shop, use this incident as ‘proof’ that Mom needs to take steps in the direction of having some daily assistance? In home or in an assisted living, doesn’t matter which.

    No. We continue to guard Mom’s dignity before all else. And we allow this incident to be a small indicator, like the light on your dashboard that alerts you that you need to keep an eye on something.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Enjoy your surroundings. Enjoy the home you have known for so long...we’re here to catch you if you fall.