A Defining Moment

           With all that I’ve shared over the past several dozen blogs, I have danced around, as we all do, one of the main questions that none of us who are caring for an aging loved-one ever wants to face: “What will I do if I think Mom is no longer able to live alone and care for herself?”  I pray you never reach that moment or, if you do, you reach it with your aging parent’s participation.

           With my mom, we are facing that ever-increasingly obvious question. We are trying valiantly to allow Mom to stay where she is comfortable, where she wants to be. At home. I figured that it has been forty-eight years since she and my late father moved all five of us into the new, all brick house. What a treasure it was. New walls, new floors and a two-car garage as the lowest portion of our split-level home. It was paradise.
       
    And Mom still sees it as paradise. She grew up in the depression where, as she has said, “If we ate chicken for dinner it was only because earlier that day we had cut its off its head  and plucked its feathers.” The good old days weren’t all good. Mom sees this house as the culmination of what she and my father worked so hard for. Where she wanted to live. And where she wants to die.
       
    So when she pointed to the closed door of one of the rooms of the house where she has lived for nearly half a century and said “What’s in there?” I knew it was time to start facing the hard question.  So my brothers and I are taking steps, again, to have someone come in to help Mom stay in the house. We are doing all we can within our means to allow her to stay. Only time will show if we are making the right decision.

If It Doesn’t Bother Mom. . .

           Sometimes, when we’re wrestling with the nuances of taking care of our 86-year-old mother, we stumble over our own feet.
       
    One of us will say “We must replace that old chair. It’s so worn and beaten down, it looks awful and it”s so hard to get in and out of.” Or another of us will will say “I know Mom isn’t getting enough vegetables. She eats the same thing all the time.”
          

Both of these statements may be true, but you have to balance doing what is ‘right’ with allowing Mom to have things the way she likes them. One thing I have learned, working with seniors for many years in the estate planning business, is that most seniors like routine. Routines help stabilize life. If the senior in your life has lost a loved one, as in the case of my mom, then the routine may be providing comfort that was once provided by a loving hand.

Of course, if there are things in your senior’s life which are harmful to them, you may need to take action even if they don’t exactly appreciate it. But if your mom’s  routine includes watching the five- o’clock news from a chair that makes Archie Bunker’s chair look fresh and new,  you may be better served to leave well enough alone and look for other ways you can assist her. Like maybe baking her a pie. . .even if she does need more vegetables.

Please continue sharing your stories with us of how you are taking care of your mom. And if you have questions for us, send them here, or privately, to mam@mateyalaw.com. We promise to contact you and do all we can to help you on your journey with your aging loved ones.