Taking Care of Our Parents: Our Next Baby Steps

          It can be downright embarrassing. You are helping your parents in their golden years. Sometimes the help is deciding where the investments should be kept. For most of us, it is more down-to-earth decisions, like where will Mom & Dad stay if one of them needs physical or mental assistance.

Most recently, I was sitting with my mother while a nurse came in to visit with her. After remarking on how well she keeps her house (it is immaculate. . .I think dust stopped trying  to collect at her house. It just moved on.), she began with the medical questions...you know, the ones that you were embarrassed by when your mother sat with you at the doctor’s office when you were too young to be in there alone. Now its my turn.

The days leading up to the visit were tense, as I have shared before. But the day of the visit, everything went just as planned. We met in the evening. Most long term care providers, including nursing homes, continuing care communities, and in-home care providers will work with your schedule. They understand that the senior for whom they may be offering care may be accompanied by someone with a nine-to-five job. My mother was as gracious as if the nurse was a long-time friend. She was a thorough professional with a very friendly demeanor. This is also something that I have seen is generally the rule, not the exception.

A two-hour visit passed without incident. Mom asked the questions she wanted to ask, and the nurse (who was dressed in plain clothes, not  the starched-white “I’m coming to get you” outfit that you see in the movies) answered them to her satisfaction.

“I’m not signing anything or committing to anything tonight,” was mom’s strongest objection. It was met with “of course not,” from our nurse.  

The evening concluded with more paperwork for mom and I to fill out. We needed to give her financial information before proceeding to any ‘next step.’ That was fine. Mom was in control of the process. And that is the point I hope to make with this blog entry.

Taking Care of Our Parents: My “Baby Steps

        Many of us are thrown into making long-term care or health care decisions by an emergency. Your Mom falls and breaks her hip, or you get a call that Dad is wandering, sometimes aimlessly, and the neighbors are afraid that he’ll wander off. These events are heartbreaking and, often, budget-busting. When your parents’ doctor tells you “we need to know where you want your mother to be transferred to for her long-term rehabilitation” and gives you four hours to decide, you have a problem. And this scenario plays out everyday.

         Instead of being thrown into the fire, you can do what we did. Or, at least, what we’re trying to do. Look ahead, to a time when your mother might need to have some assistance or, gasp, to be in a nursing home. So we told Mom that we were going to have someone come to the house to “visit” with us and talk about what we needed to know. 

         “What for? I’m not going to sign anything.”  Strike One. Mom was more than a little defensive. I had to talk to her and reassure her, more than once, that no one was trying to take her house, or send her to a nursing home.

         We anticipated this answer from her. “No mom, we don’t have to sign anything.”  We wanted her to know that we were trying to help, not trying to control. About a week before this time, my aunt was rushed to the hospital. It seems that she fell. She lives alone, uses a walker , and is in her eighties. Strikingly similar to Mom. It seems her niece, who frequently came by to visit her, found her one morning sitting on the floor of her kitchen.

         “What are you doing?”

         “Resting” responded a clearly incoherent Aunt Julie.

It turns out she landed there about twelve hours earlier, broke several ribs, contracted pneumonia from sitting on the cold floor, and on and on. It was really heart-breaking to hear.

So I said to my mom, “It’s too bad about Julie.” And I let it go right there. Silence can be deafening. She said “Oh, I know,” and she let it drop. Strike Two. I wondered whether or not I should keep pushing. I mean, I already had two strikes.

“Well Mom, we’re having someone here to visit. You don’t have to sign anything, and we’re not going to make you do anything. We just want to see what’s available for you. We care about you.”

“Well. . .Okay” she said.

We were glad to have things moving in the right direction. We don’t have all the answers, but by being just a little bit insistent, we’ve got things going.

Keep taking those steps with your parents. Nudge them when they need it. Keep them moving in the right direction, but be sure they know that you are walking right there with them.

Thank you to all who have shared your stories with us. Let us hear your comments.

                                                  Originally posted 5-11-11

Dealing With The Stress (or. . .Why Are We Such Babies?)

           When we have to care for our parents a change happens. A change which involves switching roles with our parents, and for many of us it is uncomfortable. Nothing in our education prepared us for this. We don’t know how to ease into this change.

With me, it’s caring for my mom. I always took direction from my mom. I looked up to her and asked her for advice. She had the place of authority in our relationship. So now that I am beginning to care for her, do our positions really change? Does this mean that I no longer look up to her? Now that I have the ability to care for her and can take on some of that responsibility, do I respect her less?  

           For many of us the answer to that question never comes. . .because we never have the nerve to ask the question. We cannot fathom Mom needing us in the way we once needed her. She made the bed, cleaned the house, walked us to the bus, and made sure we had enough money for lunch before we left for school. We try to act like it isn’t happening, or we wait for the other sibling to step in, because we don’t want to face it.  And what is the “it” that we don’t want to face?  Mom’s mortality? Perhaps. Our own mortality?

           Mom didn’t like it when I asked her if she had protection documents such as a living will or  power of attorney, in place. Neither did she like it when my brothers and I suggested that we have a person come in to help her with chores around the house. “I don’t want some stranger coming in my house” was the response. Then my brother Tom (God bless him) went ahead and arranged for Meals on Wheels to begin bringing in hot meals three days a week. “We can always cancel it Mom” was the way he got past her first line of defense.  And Mom didn’t like that.  At least not at first. Now, a few years later, Mom looks forward to the delivery of her meals. The delivery is a welcome part of her new routine.

           It was stressful forcing the Meals on Wheels into Mom’s routine. But it was for her own good. And today she accepts it. I dare say she even likes it. So on to the next step, caring for Mom…and the hope is, that this gets easier. It does, but only by small degrees. Mom is still living at home, and she still needs help, but we’re getting her the help she needs, one little step at a time.

           I welcome your responses or your stories. There are lots of us out here caring for our parents. . .

      

When Mom Needs Help, But Won’t Accept Help.

 So what do you when you don’t know how to move Mom forward ‘for her own good?’ I know that my family is not unique in our present situation. My brothers and I have taken all the steps that conscientious, well-informed, adult children are supposed to take. Mom reluctantly agreed to meet with the proper medical professionals, and the meeting went very well.

Now, when we could move forward, we’re once again treading water. Mom is happy where she is. She is healthy, if not active. She is in a clean environment, and its her own home. It is familiar and its safe, mostly...except for the steps that she has to climb.  So why would she want to move to assisted living? Or why would she want to have a stranger in to her home to assist her?

“I didn’t ask for help.”

“I’m fine. I’ll manage.”

Its us, her sons who want to give her the help. It is the three of us boys who don’t want her to have to ‘manage’ on her own. We’re understandably concerned about Mom’s health and safety. We would love to have piece of mind that Mom is safe and cared for. But is it our call to make?  Where do Mom’s wishes come in? When do we hear from her?

We now have to carefully balance the need to help our aging parents with the need to calm our own fears, or to salve our own consciences for any past issues we may have with them. As long as a senior is safe and is able to remain in his or her own home, they should be allowed to do so.

The competing interests are real, if not completely well-defined. We want our parents to be happy. We also want them to be safe. By insisting on a move out of the family home, we may be creating “safety” without a shred of the happiness they seek. Sometimes the medical needs dictate such a move, which makes the decision easier, if not more pleasant. But these two competing interests remain.

In our case, Tim, Tom and I continue to struggle to offer mom all the help we can, which includes keeping the doors open to outside help. And Mom continues. In the home she loves.

Originally posted posted 4-27-11